Mon Cherie

There is nothing so comforting than to have a lovely woman wrapped in ones arms. That's me and a beautiful woman. I love everything about this woman. She is funny, she is accommodating, she is intelligent and most of all she loves to suck face...with me. Unfortunately, she will be leaving soon and I will miss her terribly. I think I'm in love with her. I want to have babies with her. Her name? Cherie. Beautiful, Cherie.

Cherie, can't you see

Is our love blind?

Then let me be free...

Cherie, don't make me feel low

Give me your answer

Make our love grow

Irresistible Cherie, tell me you're mine

Don't mislead me

Nor throw me no lines

Love me Cherie

With all of your heart

Cry for me

In case we should part

If you should hurt me

Break my poor heart

Beautiful Cherie

Stay forever with me

Cherie,

Why do you make me feel

Every time I'm near you

My heads a spinning wheel

What have you done to me

Cherie,

Did you cast a spell on me?

When you touch me, I chill

When you kiss me, I'm in heaven

I've known nothing so real

Cherie,

When I gaze into your eyes

I'm blinded by the passion

I feel that's deep inside

Cherie,

Did you over do your spell?

My hearts in many pieces

It saddens me to tell

What have you done to me

Did you cast a spell on me?

Cherie,

In sadness I do tell

My hearts in tiny pieces

Did you over do your spell?

My Tiger

Its the weekend and I know where I'll be at. I don't know about you but my poison for the past 10 years have been none other than Tiger Beer. It's soothing. It's calming. I just love it. I'm so in love with it, I have dreams about it sometimes. In my darkest hour, it has always helped. Succumb to smoothnessss...

There is no problem
...you can't help me solve
Always consoling me
...my friend...the Tiger

When I'm feeling
...a little melancholy
I can count on you
...to make me happy

There are days
...when I'm a raging bull
Your calming intoxication
...helps me through

When I need
...to find my inner strength
You lift my spirit
...encouraging it to mend

Sure, you may kill me
...in my later years
But, I'd rather be numb
...than to spend my life in tears

Cheers, everybody!!!

I Am

I've become very happy with myself. Happy being myself.

I've grown to know myself rather well. I've been alone for long periods and listened to my brain chatter away. I've been in quite a few stressful situations and watched myself fluster. I quite like being Demented, I've realised. I do think of myself, my life, as being special. Not "special" in terms of being better than anyone else's, rather, "special" in terms of my own expectations.

Now for the philosophy.

I think now that happiness, contentment - these are things you carry with you. Relying or depending on external things or people to make you happy is a route to disappointment - even if you get that promotion or buy that new CD, there are always new external criteria to judge yourself on, new ways to find yourself lacking. The only thing we can hope to control, sometimes, is ourself and how we act in the situations life presents us with. I can't control whether you'll like me, or enjoy what I've written here, or whether it's going to be hazy tomorrow.

I think happiness comes from enjoying the moment, taking pleasure in each mug of beer, each conversation with a friend. Rushing is the antithesis of this attitude - rushing says that some imagined future pay off is worth cheapening the present. I can't control a lot of things. There are some things that just have to happen but perhaps I can control whether I let this affect my mood, my self image, my ability to laugh at myself and begin planning something else.

But still, in the great majority of times in life, I think a lack of attachment to things, a willingness to be happy regardless of the situation, is the base, the starting point. Ambitions and plans build on it, they don't replace it. I wonder how many of the "bad" things that happen to us are bad because we choose to look at them that way, that we have some expectation which reality doesn't match.

Although my handling on this way of looking at the world (an outlook, I notice, that sounds suspiciously like some version of Taoism) is fragile, it is how I am thinking about my future. I don't know what will happen although I have some goals, and I'm fairly relaxed about that, I'm quite confident things will work out well, one way or another.

I hope.

Cards

Stage Left.
Act 1. Scene 1.

Enter the hero. Walks to the cashier counter. There's a long queue.

Cashier : That'll be $370.00. Card or cash, sir?

Me : Card.

Hands the cashier his card.

Cashier : Ummmmm...sir, we can't seem to get your card through.

Me : Try this one.

Hands over a different card. The cashier swipes a few times. People in the queue behind him starts grumbling. Cashier returns.

Cashier : I'm sorry, sir. I can't get this one through either.

Me : Cash then.

Reaches for wallet in back pocket and opens to find two miserable $10.00 notes. Looks at cashier. Cashier smiles.

Me : (In a hush voice leaning over to cashier) I'm going to run to the ATM. I'll be back in a bit.

Exits. Stage Right.

Act 1. Scene 2.

Walks to the car and slams the door.

Me : Fuck!!! Fuck!!! Fucking hell!!!

-END-

Note to self : Do not max out the fucking cards

My Drift

And while in my drunken stupor, she sat there stroking my hair and said...

"You took me out so far that I can't find my way back...

I've been holding on but you're not anymore.

Here's a storm we won't get through because it's not in your heart...

I can feel you drifting slowly out of reach

Out there in the distance, there's something else you need

If I could be what's missing, that's all I'd want to be

You're drifting...

In the silence that's become the company we keep

I've realized how far we are from what we were

Part of you has gone somewhere I can't seem to touch

I could stay and take what's left, but that's not us

I can feel you drifting slowly

drift away...

out of reach."

And I said, 'Hic! I am drunk. I should be drifting away'.

Uh-huh

Some days are just fucking plain annoying. And with the haze and shit, it isn't going to be any better. I've cancelled most outdoor plans for the weekend and maybe compensate that with a movie or something tomorrow. I watched 'Click' this afternoon. For the second time this week. I was literally dragged by the feet and because I am such a sucker when it comes to pleasing, I reluctantly went. I slept through the whole show.

Today was one of those annoying days. I shudder at the thought of this continuing till late tonight. I might be able to suppress it by visiting 'my place' but I did quite a few last night I don't think it would be wise to indulge too much tonight. Maybe I'll just go and I'll try to stop at my 8th.

While I was driving out of the building after the show, my female companion remarked, 'Is there really such a thing as happily everafter?' Okay...guys, if a woman start talking like this, it is not good. You would see little red flags popping everywhere. And this calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology that will not lead to her stalking you or her continuing that line of questioning. I nodded and said, 'Uh-huh'.

She knew better not to continue.

Make Love

I would like to imagine doing this to a woman. To a beautiful woman. Sometime in the very, very, very near future...

I want to make love to you beside railroad tracks

as freight trains thunder past

man made wind and noise

...and oil perfume and the kinetic rush of a thousand thousand tons

gliding and screeching past the feel of the earth rumbling beneath us.
I want to make love to you near an airport runway
as the 777 reaches and roars toward the sky.
I want to make love to you in sight and sound

...and taste of ocean mountains, prairie, desert, glacier
in the deepest primeval forest

...during a raging lighting-storm

near the mouth of the Mulu caves
...and on the moon.

I want to make love to you in the magic sphere of Nature's vast power

...flowing within and between us.
I want to make love to you during an earthquake

near a roaring volcano

...in the midst of a hurricane and tsunami.

I want to own my own home and gather all the internal strength I'd feel there

then you come to me unannounced in the night or afternoon when we haven't seen one another in days, weeks, months, years....

I want you to devour me and me to devour you

tigers hidden among the suburban forest of aluminum siding

roaring and then apart

treasuring the gifts of passion we share.

Just thinking about you turns me on as if you helped me find a new switch

that's always been a part of me but one I couldn't see before.

I want you as much as I can

...as often as I can

...as thoroughly as I can

...for as long as I can.

This hasn't happened yet.

El Condor Pasa

I'm feeling rather contented with how things are developing at this stage. Work has been hell, thanks to these few projects I was assigned to beginning of this year. I'm tying the lose ends now so things are moving in the right directions at least. A far cry from the past few months.

It really had been a tumultuous time for me. There's the work and other impending issues. I feel burned out. But to have ridden the storm and coming out of it feeling good and unscathed is most soul satisfying. Whatever shit I used to have, I think I got some licked for now. Not all of it but the burden is lighter, that's for sure.

I was about to say it's a strange place to be in, then I remembered I've said it before and it shouldn't be like that. No one should have to feel that it's wrong to feel contented. I've heard some people say that people who are content are being stagnant. I say that's a whole load of elephant hooey.

I'm looking back and reflecting on how during those difficult time, I was at the verge of giving up to a point of almost throwing in the towel. I didn't and held my fort. I now find myself with renewed strength. I guess these moments are necessary. It makes one stronger I suppose. I'm not that stupid thinking the bad times won't come smacking on my face any sooner. I don't welcome it but if it comes knocking on my door, I won't hide either. Shit might just hit me later or maybe even tomorrow. I say bring 'em on.

I'm at a pit stop and just waiting to get back on the track again.

Rest, is necessary.

For now.

Disturbed

This is very disturbing. I know.

But folks, this is what happens if you have a bit too much to drink than usual. Mix that with some other stuff in components of something herbal, you get rather stupid. And you do stupid things. You become a complete buffoon. Like me up there. That pose however, is not suggestive of my sexual preferences nor does it suggest that I am not gay. I believe we have a little of this and that in our biological make up. Hence, why there is the X and Y in all of us. I also do not have anything against homosexuals or lesbians. I think they are also as human as I am. Some of us may not agree with these lot but to them I say 'Fuck You!!!Leave them fags alone!!!'.

I have very high tolerance to alcohol and to certain herbal constituents. My friends of similar interest asked how I could take the two poison together so well to which I told them that it enhances the numbness I yearn for everytime. I am not suggesting here that I am dependent on either one but on some days I just crave for them. Like I crave for raw, undiluted, no-holds-barred, dirty, painful sex. The former poison I could get anywhere but the later from friends. Yes, I do declare that I am a free loader as far as herbs are concerned. See, I have sworn off paying for my herbs. I remember during my college days when I used to scout for herb vendors and I usually have a good source. But that was then and when I came back, it all stopped. So now whenever I get offered, I never refused. I just don't pay for them anymore.

To have your local herb vendor calling you now and then is such a hassle and I would prefer not to be associated to any of these scumbags. Don't get me wrong, I also have nothing against these vendors. I am totally for their cause of making a living albeit of the illegal kind. Lets face it, there are others who are in shoddy businesses that are masked by what is presumed legal and all that shit.

Now, if I could only get my designated roller to do me one later, it'll make my day.

I just hope and pray I won't get the urge to do Jim again.

The Music Fades

As I sink into the shadows...

...the music begins to fade

The people have all left...leaving traces of what

will be tomorrow

And so ends this masquerade

The mugs are empty, Tiger cans crumpled in the bin

Cigarette butts upon the floor

My reality sinks in now...

This illusion is no more

As I look into the mirror

I cannot give myself a name

Through all these lies I've hidden

...and lost myself in shame

The doors will never be open

...to this barriers I have built

Set aside is my pain

So remains this saddened guilt.

Arrrgghhhh...crap!!!

Confrontation And Cheating

I am not a fan of confrontation. The words themselves were not objectionable. But coming out of my mouth, it was the most ridiculous sentence ever stated. But, thats not true at all. I love confrontation but only when I am on the side of the righteous.

Men cheat on girlfriends all the time. Women cheat on their boyfriends. For all of the people doing the cheating, there's another willing party.

My own moral compass doesn't always have the same charge as others but I do view cheating as immoral. I define cheating in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship as sexual or emotional involvment that involves lying to and deceiving someones else. It's wrong, and I know its wrong.

Ethical liability, however, can fluctuate a great deal depending on the party one represents in the affair and/or other mitigating factors. I believe there aren't that many of us who haven't at some point been a factor in sexual lies and deception.

As people we are flawed. We make mistakes. Sometimes passion overides our logic and sometimes people pull us in against all our better judgement. I have been before involved with activities that I've already called immoral. In the past, I've suceeded in creating loopholes in ethics that were just my sizes.

Not this time.

Some may not believe in hell but I'm still pretty certain that there is an exceptionally hot room reserved for the person I am. The person I've become.

The person I've always been - just waiting for that first test to fail.

I Am Young

I had an early lunch. I was too hungry. I had lunch with a beautiful woman. I like her.

Other than that, it's a typical Thursday morning. I got in just before 9:00am and as soon as I sat, the phones started to ring. And ring. And ring. Despite the usual morning madness, I'm feeling rather chipper.

And being busy is always good. It makes time passes very fast. It makes time rocket by like a burning Betty bomber plummeting towards its fiery demise on the surface of the Pacific Ocean. I also had a duuuhh! moment early this morning. I woke up at 8.00am and was in such a rush to avoid traffic that I drove off and actually forgot to bring my handphone. Again. I swear, these days I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached to my neck. I turned back.

Or maybe I'm getting old.

Why is that I can't help thinking that I am? I just hit mid 30 and I feel I have aged twice over. Why is that? Or maybe I have been hanging out with younger men and women of late. My sister commented the other day that my shirts have distictively shrunk to a size 'm' and getting smaller everday. I'm trying to be young and thinking I'm not at the same time. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I know that thinking like that is very silly. There's nothing wrong with this and I shouldn't be thinking like that. And why the fuck are there so many 'that' in this paragraph???

And of course there's my studly friends who keep forgetting that I'm not like them and therefore do not have their good looks, social graces and physical presence - while not essential, these attributes make social interactions easier. They have no problems in this department. Or maybe its because I spend too much time on my own that I have absolutely forgotten the ethics of social interactions. I drink alone, I go to the movies alone, I hike alone, I swim alone, I go to the park alone, I masturbate alone...errrr that one didn't come out right. I value my friends' opinions and to have them disprove and look at me in a cynical and funny way would sting. I don't know whether I could deal with that. In reality, they probably wouldn't look at me funny (at least not all of them). It's probably my warped mind. And perception as you may know, shapes reality.

Damn me and my issues.

Jim the Barman

That's Jim the barman at 'my place'. And he is currently placed very high on my list of who to benefit in my will. Such a monkey, he is.

I have been to many watering holes and have invested much time in some for numerous reasons. One watering hole thats worth mentioning here is this place called 'The Tavern'. It used to be this obscure little place at the very corner lot of Taman Seri Sarawak Mall right in front of The Hilton. Very cozy and the only place in town which did not offer any loud music. Heck! They didn't even have a tv. I miss the place. A lot of nice memories there. I even had the privilege of designing the mandatory signage hung outside the pub.

And who could forget the bell?. They have this bell, you see. Hung right in the middle of the horse-shoe bar. It is not one of those little metal nonsense that goes 'ting' but this huge motherfucker that actually goes 'bong'. It was an old antique bronze bell complete with this huge hawser tied to the clapper. It had a distinct phalliac resemblence to it but thats another story. And if one was in a charitable mood, he rings the bell and that indicated that freebies were coming our way. But that was years ago. 'The Tavern' is, unfortunately no more.

'My place' reminds me of 'The Tavern'. Not so much of the setting but the people who made it happen every day. Like Jim up there. And the rest of the staff included. I have never met anyone who could mask anger, sadness and maybe to a certain extent, depression as well as he does. I kid you not. He is constantly happy and never fails to smile. Sometimes I think he tries too hard but thats why I like this place. Everyone tries very hard to please everybody. But won't you if you want people to keep patronizing your place? Just look at Jim up there.

Everytime the guys see my ride, they rush outside to greet me. I mean, that I think is the ultimate in service and very uncommon anywhere else. Ghana never fails to check if I had ample cigarettes to last the night and if I didn't, he'll offer to buy. And when I leave, Joanne rushes over to give me a hug. Hmmmm...I wonder if I could actually work my way into her pants.

That aside, thats the very same treatment I used to enjoy and I suppose everyone else got from Sali the barman at 'The Tavern' then.

The guys even know the beer I want and in which glass it should be poured and on the right coaster too.

Jim, Ghana, Siong, Oswald, Gary and of course, the ever beautifull Cherie and Joanne...You guys are the best!!!

I will see you guys later.

Angst

So here I am, sitting
alone...in the dark again

What a perfect fucking metaphor
I'm so tired of this

I know I have no reason to feel this pain but
of course I can't stop it now

Its nights like this when
I don't want to hear solutions

And my dreams just tease me
with promises of a better tomorrow
that isn't today yet

And patience isn't one of my virtues

What???
You mean this isn't normal for me?!?

Either I'm damn good at hiding this or
I spend a lot more time then I like to think

Lost in my head

Angst may be fashionable these days...
But I'd rather be a happy bastard drinking beer.

For Her

Here is something I attempted at the table after having a tete-a-tete dinner with a certain female companion a few months ago. A beautiful one, at that. I have just met her then and after a few days, I called and arrange for dinner and drinks. She obliged. You see, I don't fancy going to trendy, contemporary diners or whatever you might like to refer to all these new age establishment which are only out to impress your visuals rather then the gastronomic experience.

I can't help but notice that everytime my friends patron these places they go at length to describe to me first of the settings, the ambiance, the lighting and what not. Asked of the food, the reply is almost everytime the same - 'Not bad'. Period. Im not suggesting here that all of these places are like that. I've been to a few and they are all good but most are just trying too hard to be 'cool' as one of my friends put it. What is so cool about a restaurant anyway???

I'm not one of those hopeless romantic who can come up at a moments notice on a perfect place to have dinner with a woman. I know first impression is vital but due to my anxiety of first dates and like so many before this, I let her decide on the venue. Thank goodness, she chose this nice quiet place that I used to frequent which is by the river. It was a beautiful night and we talked about poetry and the arts, music and almost everything. So since I told her that I sometimes dabble in poetry, she asked me to write something about her and this is what I wrote...

You walk in beauty, like the night of cloudless

and starry skies...

Like a river...gently, quietly flowing through my heart

where all the empty spaces used to be ...

And all that's best of dark and bright

they meet all in your eyes...

And on that cheek, and over that brow...

...so soft, so calm...yet passionate

Your pleasing touch on my skin cast my senses into

moments of bliss...

However brief but deep enough to feel your fingers

crawling through my soul...

I taste your smile, I feel your laughter...

I want to act in passion and lose myself there.

You know she's beautiful. She paid for dinner.

Puck! Team America

If you haven't watch this one yet, you must. It was so fucking hilarious. I'm talking about the movie 'Team America'. I remember someone telling me about it yonks ago but I never came around to getting the DVD. And so I was at the supermarket yesterday evening to grab a bottle of wine when I saw a bargain bin outside this DVD shop. So I walked over and 'Team America' was in. I know, I know. I am a bit late. But nonetheless, I figured it'll keep the little cousins at bay for this barbecue I was to attend at one of the uncles.

See, my mom and dad siblings are basically all settled here and between them they've produced quite a number of little cute things. Average age - 6 years. And being the eldest and favourite cousin comes with big responsibilities. Much is expected of me. Like providing entertainment in the form of children friendly DVD's at family gatherings. This responsibility is vested on my being and last night it was going to be 'Team America'. I know - big mistake. Big fucking mistake. So we were outside in the garden eating, sipping wine and bitching about everything in general when little Joshua ran out to us and cried "Mommy, mommy the puppets are doing bad things on tv! They don't have their clothes on too."

The parents looked at me and asked what I got them this time and I told them its a movie with marionettes rather then the usual cartoons. I even told them there was a tv series back then called 'Thunderbirds' which was similar and I never missed watching. Told them it was all good. Minutes later, the little girls ran outside giggling and announced that the puppets were naked and on top of each other!!! I instinctively ran to the tv room and lo and behold Gary the hero was infact doing the lateral lambada on Lisa!!!

Oh. My. Lord!!!

Yes, puppets or rather marionettes were fucking the lights out of themselves!!!. And the scene was as intense as any Japanese porn. Oh. My. Lord!!! Puppets, friggin puppets on friggin strings!!!. I stopped the player and played back for a bit. I pushed play and a song came up like this 'America. Fuck, yeah!, America. Fuck, yeah!' over and over again. I could hear Jordan's older brother going 'America, Puck, yeah! Puck! Puck! Puck!'.

Oh. My. Lord! What have I done?.

Suffice to say, I got some parents offended. Coming from a very conservative Christian background, you can't blame them. One of the mothers said if any of her kids so much utter any obscenities from today, she'll have my head.

But it was all good. We had a good laugh afterwards mainly on the subject of puppets in compromising positions. Two uncles became quite descriptive. Thats why I like wine. It soothes the soul and reveals the truth about a person. In vino veritas.

But really, you would not want any kids hearing this :-

"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit! "

NOTE TO SELF : Must always check ratings on cover of dvd's

Stick Figure

"I am not who you think I am

No mind but my own can encompass

Everything that makes up me, but

You presist in pretending that

Your mental collage of me and

Your endless string of assumptions

Is more real than who I really am

Tell you what...

I'll draw a stick figure

And write my name under it

And you can pretend that its me

And give it whatever attributes you want

And you'll never have to worry

About the difference between me

And your image of me

Ever again..."