Older

And so its that day of the year again. Another year older.

I really resent this day with the intensity of the sun. I don't mean I hate the very day I was born but of course on some days I really wish I was not. And yes, I sometimes do agree with my momma when she should have just fed me to the fish when I was born. But you see, its those people who creeps from behind and jump on me while screaming their lungs out just so I am reminded of the day that really fucks my mind up.

And having so many young pre adults and juveniles as cousins who actually keep tabs on the dates of every cousins and uncles and aunts and grand uncles and grand aunts birthdays doesn't really help.

But honestly, I feel like I am twenty two still. I think what I hate most is that I am creeping up on forty.

I was alright with having this day as long as I was on the right side of the number. I keep feeling I'm on the wrong side of mine. Why the fuck is that?

Fifty is the age that really freaks me out. I was fine with turning thirty. It was not a big deal and I never understood why some had issues with turning thirty or forty. I think I will probably like forty but when I turn fifty I will be turning fifty kicking and screaming.

Maybe I will warm up to the idea over the next couple of years but as of right now I don't like it.

Suddenly I feel friggin' old. Shit!

Shut Eye

Time check - Its 1:54am. I'm all fucked up inside my head from having a little bit too much of the big cats just now. The wine inflicted the most damage. And while I think I'm sleepy, I can't for the life of me understand why I can't sleep.

My momma used to tell me to get a good 8 hours of sleep a night, good mattress and all that shit. She still does. The basics, I remember her telling me is to go to bed at the same time. Wake up at the same time. Keep the room on the cool side. Stomach sleeping is not really the best for you, no tea before bed, no this no that and all the other shit.

How can something so simple as closing one's eyes to rest become so complicated? I sometimes wonder why. Could it be because we now live in fast times? My boss tells me eight hours of sleep is considered a luxury and napping, especially in this country is considered by many as slothful. He didn't use the word slothful but while driving back just now and for some uncanny reason I was thinking about a sloth. So there. Moving on...I, by the way am a happy indulgent sloth who savors a good, preferably on the cool rattan mat, nap quite often.

Sleep can become even more complex. Sleep to escape, to avoid, to deny. But, consider this. If we sleep for any reason other than to rest and recharge do we really sleep well? Chances are it is not a restful sleep but rather a fitful one filled with tosses and turns. I get the later sometimes and that is shitty. But I dont think we can escape our inner most demons not even in sleep (at least not with a natural sleep).

I guess for many of those demons, whatever they may be, they sometimes manifest with vigor in dreams. But screw that. I'm hoping to attempt get a restful one after this, so help me God and I don't want to dwell on demons lest I encourage some of them to invade my dreams later on.

Oh, well. Here's to a good night's sleep to us all.

Simple?

Why is it that as the component processes of life are isolated and made simple, the overall process of living is made fucking complex?

A brother from church told me over breakfast yesterday morning after Good Friday's do that we as worshipers of the white man's God, must practise the simple life. And I'm like, how in the name of everything holy do we even start to embrace simplicity in a world that has grown fucking complex and 'consumeristic', as one brother puts it, in every ar ea of life?

I try my very best to live as simple as I could but would I be living that simple life if I do not indulge in them St Michael cotton shirts, Levi's and the likes while buying my stuff that falls within the average price range? And what if I keep on upgrading my laptop or phone to include the latest shit in tech savvy-ness because I think its necessary for my work and living in this day and age, would I still qualify as someone who lives simply?

What if I sleep on a hand me down big ass bed (like most of my t shirts) while not very far away from my house, migrant workers sleep on bunk beds with only thin pieces of cardboard for a mattress, six sometimes eight to a room that is probably the size of my bath room?

Then I thought, the white man's God I worship who flung stars into space and who created the infinite variety of life, colours, smells, music and beauty - is he a God who embraces simplicity and who calls worshipers/servants/sons like me to do likewise? I don't know. I didn't ask the brothers I had breakfast with.

When I was in college I remember telling myself that if I graduated and found a job, I was never going to allow my happiness to be dependent on a fat salary (the white men God that I worship actually made that a reality) but that was easy then, undoubtedly helped along by a big dose of youthful idealism. It's difficult now. That's the reality. It was easier to remain contented when all my friends were moving around in motor bikes or the mini bus but within a few years of graduation all them bastards upgraded to cars and I realised then it was easy to feel left behind.

I guess the pinch lies not in feeling deprived materially but lies in the fear of failure, of being stuck in a job with fucked up salary topped with little, if not virtually no prospects, while my friends are getting enviable promotions, fat salary increases along with attractive perks and shit. From where I'm at, their future looks like a brightly lit path marked with promises of more of everything the fucking world can give.

Okay. I got a game plan. It's simple.

I'm just going to go back to my village and be a farmer. I'll learn to be a farmer.

Fuck, it!!! My parents are retired and are now farmers and living the simple life. I'm going to force them to teach me how. They won't do the song and dance when they learn of this but they'll understand.

I'll go when I touch 55.

Shits

I saw a stupid yellow sign hung on the windshield of this little car this morning. It read - "WHATEVER. Who cares...". I thought that was nice.

But I was down at my favourite coffee shop and like yesterday morning and a few mornings before this, the topic of conversation revolved around catchphrases like 'Dawn of a New Era', 'Paradigm Shift', 'BN needs to reinvent', Re-brand', 'A Wake Up Call For Ruling Coalition', that KJ dude, other shitty political shits...ho-fucking-hum. I mean, what the fuck? Can we just now move on?

So the opposition party did well and many friends I spoke to are actually proud to call themselves Malaysians for the very first time. And by that, I mean friends from the west side. Depending on which side of the divide you stood, I'm pretty sure you were either fucking happy or otherwise. While the ruling party is still recovering from the humiliating defeat, their disillusion is still prevalent. I was told a special post-mortem team is being formed or if not already formed to study why they fucked-up. Heads are going to roll, some one has to be blamed and shit like that. I mean, why don't they just fucking admit defeat and shut the fuck up?

The status quo remains as it is where I'm at. The ruling party is here to stay for the next five years but things will never be the same again on the other side of the South China Sea. It looks like the opposition gang will have a field day in parliament for the first time now that they have a bigger corum. I say, good for them.

In the game, there will be losers and winners. But these shit I read in the papers the last few days really got to me. Like that one sore loser from Selangor, I don't remember his name who said, "I forgive them, there's no bitterness at all. This is God's will..."

I mean, this guy actually forgives the people who didn't fucking vote for him! Just who the hell does he think he is? And he blames it on God that he fucking lost? Oiiii!!! You fucking lost because you didn't do the job that your constituents voted you in the last time. Its that fucking simple. You fucking screwed up. Not God. Take the fucking rap and beg forgiveness from Him for using His name in vain, stooopid!!!

And that other guy from the ruling party who said, "The people should not let this trend of the opposition winning too many states to continue". And I'm like, what the fuck? And continue to have retards like fucking you in office? I don't think so.

And what about the other guy who claims that the ruling party and in the person of none other than himself have contributed millions of dollars to the betterment of the state and how the opposition parties have contributed zero dollars to the same?

But hold it right there dumb fuck. Just whose money did you say those were? Ours, the taxpayers, right?

Right.

So, fuck off!!!

And did you read the one about this other equally stupid fucktard from the ruling party who lost and now threatens to pull all mega multi million unfinished projects together with those still in the pipe line because the people had chosen the opposition party instead to rule his state this time around. I say, to hell with him and he can fuck off!!!

Ahhh...well. That's politics where I'm at.