Of Bad Guys and Good Guys

(Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego returning from the fiery furnace)

• Okay, so I have these two buddies. No, I have these two very good buddies from across the seas. Jass and Jeep. One is a reformed man while Jass and I are still in pursuit of the meaning of the 'perfect numbness'. We still are.

• Let me start with Jass. I met him circa 2002 in KL at a meeting. I know this is so gay, although I have to qualify myself here that I do not hold anything personal against gays in general, but we were coincidentally put in an apartment unit for the three days we were there. I don't like sharing rooms with other men but due to our different meeting schedule, we were never in the same room at any one time except late at night or very early in the morning when I got back from my usual drinking binge.

• I know he looks good here but four years ago, he wore a turban. But he looked cool then too. Even with a turban.

• I remember our last night in KL when I was out drinking without him. He said he was tired. As usual, I came back way past my bedtime and knocked on our apartment door. I had one too many that night and could vaguely remember stumbling out of the lift.

• The door swung opened and this most ugly thing stood there, hair flowing all the way down to his waist-face covered by more hair, hairy chest, miserably thin - the whole nine yards of everything ugly. Honestly, I have never seen anything so grotesque and repulsive looking in my life. I was speechless and I remember just staring at his being.

• In my drunken stupor, I mumbled something and checked the room number for the second time. Unsure if it was the right room or if I was even on the right floor, I offered my apologies for giving the thing a rude awakening.

• I was about to walk back to the lift when the thing finally spoke and he gruffly said, "Bro, its me. Jass laaah!".

• I swear my feet went wobbly.

• We had a good laugh after that but not before a spate of curses in every language known to me was hurled towards his general direction. One of which had to do with all turban wearing persons in the world.

• He's one of the bad guys. Like me.

(Jeep isn't in this one because he has taken the oath of abstention)

• Jeep, I was introduced to just very recently. This was at the Rainforest's Music Festival. He and Jass went to school together. He is a reformed person and have sworn off everything ethanol and numb inducing. He's one of the good guys.

• I had my reservation when Jass told me of his coming. More so when he said that he was very reformed. But I was in for a pleasant surprise.

• The coolest thing about this brother is that he doesn't mind hanging out with us bad guys knowing very well how stupid we bad guys become afterwards. He even volunteered to perform the art of dissecting and rolling of certain herbal constituents for us bad guys. He's blessed with steady hands. He joins in the fun and never, in the few days he was here, have I heard him complain. He shouldn't be because he was once a bad guy. He knows the game.

Jass and Jeep, my brathas from different mathas, I love you guy's.

Patch DeMented

I received this poem in my mail today from a dear friend of mine and she wanted me to post it here. This one by far is one of the most beautiful poems ever to be penned. I think. Its a classic.

It is more beautiful when an equally beautiful woman recites it while sipping a good bottle of wine with you. I may have had too much last weekend. I'm sorry if I was, as you put it...too unbecoming that night. But thats me, a good bottle of wine and poetry. My lethal combination.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this :
where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Nothing like a good poem to get one in the mood. No???

Jess

• Everything is double edged isn't it? There's really no such thing as something that's all good is there? Anyway, I feel quite good inside lately. What with all the sweating and good company I had the past few days, I have every reason to feel good. Which makes me kind of wary. You know the saying,"When everything is going well, it's an ambush" ?

• I am learning not to take anything for granted now. At least I try not to.

• What's this thing that's making me feel quite good? Friends of course.

• Old and new friends. One friend in particular, whose company I enjoy immensely. Because of her, I'm not beset with boredom and the nagging loneliness that sometime grip me. Yeah, I've been seeing her a lot. At least once a week for lunch and for happy hours. I've known her for 5 years now but she hates Tiger of which I have no problem with. She sometimes call but she understands when I have to do my drinking alone.

• In our somewhat repressed conservative society, being close to someone of opposing gender is frowned upon in some circles. Especially if the said female friend is just a 'friend'. It's 'unhealthy' according to some.

• I beg to differ. Simply put, there are certain things that women will understand better simply because they are women. Guys know guy things because they're guys and they do those things. What better source for a girl to ask but from a guy? Like the time when she asked me what was so great about a one night stand. Ditto vice versa. Men and women are equal, but men and women are also fundamentally different. Hence all the misunderstanding and the cockeyed lopsided biases.

• It'll go a long, long way to dispelling some myths and promoting respect and understanding. Look around and see how misunderstood the different genders are from the other gender's perspective. Why? Because we don't talk enough.

• I know many, many people who have no platonic relations with their opposing numbers. And it's always these people who have skewed perspectives about men/women.

• I remember one conversation I had with a buddy recently when he asked me why I spent so much time with this one girl. Obviously he doesn't know I have many friends of the female persuasion and I do spend a good many hours with some of them. I told him she was my good friend and yes we have gone out, lunched and had beer's. He insisted that men and women can't be friends and there was something I was not telling him. He wanted me to tell him that we did the horizontal lambada. No amount of convincing could change his point of view.

• He, obviously had no female friends.

• See? Skewed.

Thanks Jess for being a good friend. By the way, any chance of me getting into your pants???

Mount Me

I'm back at work and I had a splendid holiday!!! I got a call from a good female companion last weekend and she wanted to spend a night or two somewhere far from the city. We share a common interest of jungle treking and basically, the nature. She was back in town for the long break. And she added, she would want something preferably near a beach and the forest. I hate it when I get last minute calls and tall orders like this for the very reason that it is almost impossible to secure rooms or chalets especially during holidays. She figured I could create miracles.

It was, however by sheer luck that I got a chalet at Gunung Gading National Park. It should be noted that there are only 2 chalets and 1 unit of hostel available. I suppose the reason for this is obvious. The National Park Department does not want too many visitors at a time to ensure the peace and quiet is maintained. That was what I was told.

I tried every other places I knew, even Bako and as expected, no rooms were available. But thanks to Mart J he managed to organised a chalet at said place. That's the good thing about knowing someone in high places for times like this. I heard about this place but I have never got around to visit.

The best thing was that by the time we checked in, most of the visitors were checking out or had already checked out. Leaving just us and two German couples. You could say, we had the entire Gunung Gading, all 900 metres of it, 4,104 ha of forest, its waterfalls and the beaches to ourselves.

We checked in and didn't waste time and did the summit trail which took us 3 hours to the top. It was nice. Very nice. Tiring but nice.

But see, there is a reason why woman are sometimes considered lacking in practicality and the comprehension of logical matters. My female companion who was too overly excited about the place, forgot to bring along a jacket and by the time we reached the summit, she was shivering cold - which was good for me, in a way. Frankly, it really wasn't very cold but it was just nice to sit there and enjoy the peace. We were so taken in by the unadulterated and absolute beauty surrounding us, we didn't speak for a few minutes.

The view from the top was just breathtaking. Better still with a can of Tiger or three.

On our descent, we did the waterfall trails and passed a few gushing and refreshing waterfalls. I thought why settle for something mediocre when one can get to the best and so we walked deeper into the forest and finally arrived at this one up there. Walking in the forest reminded me of one of my favourite fairy tales - Hansel and Gretel. I think we may have played our part very well. Wait!!! Weren't they siblings??? You, yeah. You!!! 'That' was not funny at all!!!

It had already passed noon when we got there so we lunched. I tell you, lunching accompanied by the gushing sound of the waterfalls is just heavenly. The water was cooling and fresh...we were naked.

I was expecting to stumble upon Gunung Gading's unique selling point - the Rafflesia but luck wasn't on our side. I didn't get to see any. We did, however, stumble on one or what was left of it. It wasn't pretty at all. And it stank, big time.

By the time we reached base camp, we were literally fucked. Sweaty, sticky, achy and fucked. But in a very nice way.

That night, we drove over to the beach and had seafood for dinner. The moon was up, the tide low and plenty of Tiger to waste.

I slept just fine. Thank you.

P/S : To my Hindu buddies, Happy Deepavali and to my Muslim compadres, Selamat Hari Raya. This is late, I know but I'm sorry boy's I was not in town.

Light up!!!

• I was up on the mountains this afternoon. I do this quite often just to get away from the city and from the noise. I always bring a good book with me and spend a good two or three hours just reading and enjoying the quiet tranquility that the forest offers. I had just finished a few chapter of my book and was almost done with my packed sandwiches when this certain brethren from a certain denomination which does not encourage blood transfusion walked to where I was sitting and said his hello. We talked a little and I instinctively lit a cigarette. Bad move.

• He asked me if I was a practitioner of the Christian faith to which I replied I was. I have been approached by his kind many times and enjoyed talking with them concerning their faith and practices. Today, however, he and whatever he represented transformed into something most annoying. I felt persecuted. There are many things that I can't stand, and one of those things are self-appointed moral guardians. He assumed to be one today and he didn't hide the fact that he was very unhappy with my habit. He even pulled a bible and showed me some verses where lighting up was considered a sin. I certainly did not need someone to preach me on this. I could have just walked away but I decided to amuse him and lit another one.

• This isn't about smoking. This rant is about my right to smoke and how some people want to challenge that. If you believe what you read/watch on TV, that smokers are sick people, are stupid (that's why we need to be "reminded" that smoking causes lung/throat cancer, respiratory diseases, heart problems etc. Like we don't know that...), are inconsiderate and must be vilified and humiliated with sweeping, blanket statements.

• But since smoking isn't illegal (yet) then it's still a choice isn't it? I choose to smoke. It's my right. So what if I'll kill myself? Do I want to quit? Yes, sure. But I WILL DECIDE that. I do not need someone to tell me to.

• Ok. Smoking is bad. I'm not defending smoking. It's a terrible and costly habit and if you can, please don't start. But in the end it's up to you. Your money, your life, your body. Whatever.

• What I am angry about are people who want to take away my right to choose and for making me look like I'm some kind of freak for not conforming. Like that brethren. He even went a bit further by slapping the religion factor on my face. I DON'T need anyone telling me that smoking causes [insert name of disease here]. I KNOW cigarette smoke contains [insert name of chemical compound]. I do this because I can and I want to. So leave us alone okay? Go and live in your hyperbolic chambers. No one's stopping you.

• So moral guardian, have a little respect? If you lecture me again on [insert bad habit here], don't even dare to get upset if I flip you the bird. You're not the only one who has the right to be indignant. Just because you feel you're more "conscientious" than me doesn't mean you're better.

• By the time he was done preaching, I had about 5 cigarettes butts in my 100 Plus can. I didn't argue with him. In fact I didn't say much. All I need now is someone to come and approach me and give me a lecture on my drinking.

Fuckers, try me!!!

Fake Freak

This rant is brought to you

From deep within my soul

It's been harboured long enough

Needs to fulfill a goal

Certain times I hear you

Other times ignored

Either way you think about it

Messages do get stored

Some within the brain

Others lodged in my throat

Today I shall expel both

Because you're a damn bitch

This poem has a flip side

I'm only talking to shadows

Evil bastards that dance at night

While eating charred meat

Now within reality's eye

Person responding will be

Just a silly fake freak

Who happens to be me...

1 Night

I was at a watering hole the other day with a good female companion when she abruptly changed the subject of conversation and asked what's so great about one night stands. Obviously, this dear friend has not taken that walk on the road less travelled. I swear she's the nice type. I couldn't give her a definite answer to this for the very reason that I don't know if its anything but great.

I have been there. The unfamiliar room, the unfamiliar smell, the anxiety, the what ifs. Eventually, the guilt. Call me old fashioned but yes, guilt is something that I remember vaguely that came with it later.

But it's the game that makes us all tick. The sheer excitement of being pulled into something lustful. Something so 'unnatural', something fast. Picture this - you have been eyeing this woman for some time. Both of you have been exchanging subtle glances to each other. A humble ingredient for a twisted but noble purpose. She walks up to you finally, flashes you that smile and ask if you're good afterwards. I don't need to get into details of the conventions, but a reasonable man should be able to tell if the said willing and consenting adult woman is legit.

Then there's the quiet walk to the ride. The small talk in the ride, and then her place. The act later is nothing short of being passionate. It always is. And then you leave. There is no goodbyes. The excitement is blissful after the act. It stays for a while. Then guilt creeps in.

That's just about how great it is. I think.

Depression Fatigue Pain

Depression...Fatigue...Pain...

Agression...Frustration...Anger

All these unwanted sensations...

Hurting, Burning, Tearing.

My heart

Alone, Cold and Fearing...

Why won't you let me sleep...let me rest, let me forget.

Eradicate, Eliminate, Destroy

all my regrets...

These memories inside - reside in the corner of my mind.

Resisting, Repeating, Insisting

Refusing to be denied its recognition of its position in my

...Delusion, Confusion, Frustration...

Ahhhh...if only to close my eyes and let time fly by...

Because these dream's driving me insane.

Unfocused, Unclear, Out of control...

My world spinning, spinning, spinning...

My sanity flying through the door...

My reason, my logic...tragic

Like fine sands running through my hands.

Little Voices

I knew it.

I knew it couldn't last. My hanging out and relaxing while waiting for something to happen is gradually turning into boredom. I knew my masochistic hankering for personal turmoil would catch up with me sooner rather than later. At least that's what it seems like from where I'm sitting. I feel like doing something, anything that is rash and potentially pain inducing. Just because.

It seems that I have a pretty restless streak.

Except unlike all the other previous cycles, I know I've seen this picture before. It's kinda like watching a rerun of an old TV show. You've watched it before, but this time you notice things like plot holes and continuity screw-ups and the mike boom briefly appearing on one corner of the screen for a split second.

And so, with some relief I can safely say,"Man, I'm not surprised". Despite what that annoying little voice in my brain is saying, this is not a disaster nor is it a self inflicted problem. It's just like that. It happens by itself, like rain.

Don't you just hate that little voice ? The negative one that always, always puts you down. Don't you wish you could tie whatever demon that is to a chair and put duct tape all over its face?

Oh no. That phone is ringing again...

Love's Dark Light

In love's dark light, she rescued me...

Through blood red tears she did see...

My soul I bared unto her...

...broken, twisted...

Rife with sin...

Shattered, far from divine...

The unholy form that was mine...

In shadows of the night she called to me...

Through bitter pain, I came to see...

I let love fly on silver wings...

...released sorrow...

As creatures of the night sings...

The worth of lust's impurity...

His Addiction

I spent a little time today with a good friend. He's in the Intensive Care Unit and was admitted a few days ago due to an overdose of some substance. I got to know last night and drove over to the hospital only to be asked to leave because it was way past visiting hours. He's better now – the friend I’ve tried to understand. And still trying.

It hasn't always been easy for him.I have only known him for the past few months and we've talked over a lot of things, his substance dependency included. And over the few months that I have known him, I have watched him progress, fall, get up again, and then seemingly dig himself deeper into the downward spiral of addiction to substances and to a certain extent, maybe alcohol. Having grown to enjoy his company and understand him as I would a good friend, and watching his frustrated father throw his hands up in despair, I told myself that I would remain a true friend.

When not using substances or alcohol, this young man is intelligent, loving, caring, and selfless. But like anyone in his shoes, when the substances are added to his body he becomes a different person. Where people had laid trust and placed hopes there seemed to be nothing. So what was I, or anyone of his true friends to do as we watched him slowly fade? I talked about sobriety, checking into rehab centre or counseling, finding a safe place. Even going back to his hometown where his families are. He tried. But there is perhaps this resounding emptiness in him that needs to be filled. I've lived with his kind all through college and I learned what emptiness means. This emptiness is colder, very much colder. But there were periods when he would clean up, clear-minded, and begin to grasp a sense that he didn't have to live day to day as a dependant anymore.

His father said, worst were the days that he wouldn't hear from him at all, and he would begin to dread that call letting him know the worse had happened. Although the constant wear of desperate calls was stressful, the silent waiting and praying was far worse.

I've seen him sober. He is a better person when he is. For some, it takes only the threat of losing things that are important to us. For others, it takes stark reality giving us a kick in the butt to wake us up and truly motivate us to do what's best for ourselves. Does he have a guarantee to stay sober? His sobriety, his recovery is in his own hands - but it can't hurt anyone to have a hand to hold when the going gets rough...

For you my friend, hang in there. There are some of us who cares.

Your'e Beautiful

If there's a face I want to see...

So beautiful, so true...

One smile that makes a difference...

To everything I do...

If there's a touch I long to feel...

One voice I long to hear...

Whenever I am happy...

or just needing someone near...

If there's one joy...one love

For which I never want to part...

It's you, my very special you...

My fantasy, my world, my heart...

Damn, it!!! They got the Tiger sitting on a heineken!!!.

The Lord's Beer Prayer

Our Lager which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

I will be drunk,

At home as in the tavern,

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not into incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

• Damn it!!! My head hurts and it isn't funny anymore. Obviously, the above prayer didn't work for me today. I wasn't delivered from this damn hangover. I still can smell beer on my friggin own breath. I don't know about you but I never fail to utter some form of incantations or prayer before I sleep regardless how super inebriated I am.

• The fact is, I never go to sleep without a prayer. I remember uttering something this morning when I hit the sofa. Something incoherent but invoking the name of my saviour all the same.

• And so I decided the above prayer should be put up there just because its a Saturday and there are some of us who will be going for mass. Besides, tomorrow is Sunday. Dear friends, please pray for me. My head still hurts. I may have had a bit too much last night.

• This has got to stop. Starting tonight.

Ramblings

It's really quiet in the office today. Except for the ladies in front, all the rest has gone outstation. I'm left to secure the fort.

I took a glance at the calendar and it struck me how fast time flies now. It's the final quarter, finally. It's as if time herself can't wait to get this year done with. October is going to come and go in a flash especially with my coming tight schedule. By the time I get my first looooong eight day break, it'll be mid November already. I need this one badly. I need to get away. Which reminds me, I need to apply for leave for the 2 through the 9 of November.

I feel like I'm in some kind of hiatus right now. From life. I feel like I'm in suspended animation, pausing until something else happens in my life. I feel like being just an observer right now. Nothing is happening to me, but many things are happening to others. I just watch.

I feel like I'm in a "in-between" stage, just coming out of something and and waiting for whatever next thing that happens. You know, like half-time during a football game.

It's nice to watch. It's nice once in a while to not be caught up with the things that go on in life. Like the angst and the agony that comes with everything else. Like the frustrations of wondering if I'm in the right place. Like the stress and fear of having major changes in your life.

It's nice to be able to rest. It's nice to able to laze around the house doing not much and thinking even less. I have been doing that of late which is by the way, very therapeutic. It's nice to hang with friends and have nothing seriously important to discuss. It's even better to be alone in a nice watering hole. On that note, I haven't been that successful in my quest for a replacement yet. I was at two places last night and yet again, I was to be disappointed. But there is this one place that was recommended though. I may be visiting it later to see if my soul agrees with it. I hope it does because, damn it! I'm tired of moving from one place to another.

Everything is routine at present. Calm and ordinary, with just enough highlights to prevent it from being monotonous and dull.

I want to revel in the relative tranquility that is now. I want to bask in my ordinary state of being. I know with my luck, it won't last. There will be upheaval. The necessary roller coaster ride. But not right now.

And for once, I hope that whatever thing is supposed to happen next, let it be a thing that I can deal with. Let it be a thing that I've learnt lessons about. And may I not forget these lessons.

I hope the Fates will favour me? Maybe.

My Place No More

I was at 'my place' last night to finish off my three beers. Leftovers from some nights I was there but for the life of me I can't remember which night now. I went to say goodbye.

I saw new faces. New staff. The not so new ones said they missed me.

It's hard to leave a place you grown to love. It's harder still to find its replacement. But as much as I didn't want to, 'my place' has lost its charm and particularly, its very soul. It's just not the same anymore. But that's my opinion. I might visit for old times sake.

The boys and girls that made the place happen are now all gone. All left for better things. It is sad to see them leave but change is inevitable, I guess. Someone told me last night, even Ghana left too. That's him in the arms of the two most beautiful women over at 'my place'. The same two woman who made the place a little brighter for us drunks. I can't say much for the guys but it's always good to have a beautiful women or two working the bar. Both are no more there as most of you might already know.

Jim the barman is now working at a new establishment near my office which is good. I met him last night. He is happier there.

And so for the past few nights I have embarked on a quest in search for the elusive replacement. I have gone to a few but my soul just didn't seem to agree with any of them. This is going to be harder than I thought. Even Jim's place didn't shake me a bit. Don't get me wrong. Jim's place is good but it needs...soul.
The above photo there was taken during happier times at 'my place'. It is obvious that we were very inebriated by foreign substances and ethanol based drinks. I will miss the place. I miss it now.

I'm going to take a crap in a bit. I should be visiting one or two watering holes later and beer, as one wise man once said, should enter only a purely clean body.

I Cannot

She told me to at least try but I said...

I don't think I can un-think about you

I don't think I can un-feel your touch

I don't think I can un-hear all the words

...un-say all the things that used to mean so much...

I wish I could un-remember...

everything I've been through

I'm finding this an impossible task to do...

I think I can't un-love you...

So, here's to you and good luck.