Juicy and Spicy

Spicy is fucking sexy.

It is the new black, yo!!!

It's kinky cuisine...

A dash of fire and a pinch of pain
...excites my keen desire
...as a sharp smack on my yearnings
kindles my cravings...

Juices rendered
...from stinging flesh
...flow forth into the feast
through pulsing blushes...

Devoured and sated
...the embers smolder
and the tingling lingers
...prolonging their sweet, stingy and spicy glow

Yes, yes, yes!!!

DO.ME.NOW!!!

Q's

Have you felt like this?

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are even right now. Thats a fucked up feeling right there.

And then you start realizing that people are actually selfish and that, maybe, just maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the coolest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. And then you think if they are actually realizing that too, and hope that they aren't really that cold, mean, insincere, fucked up but hope that they are as confused as you.

And then you look at your job (like I'm looking at myself right now)... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you’re going to have to start at the fucking bottom and that scares you.

And then your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. How fucked up is that???

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You start to laugh and whine with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. And suddenly, this thing call "change" is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past for dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stick to where you are or fucking move on.

And then you worry about that fucking loan, credit card or for the priviledge few - cards, money, your health and what's that sharp pain in the under side of your left arm, the fucking future and making a fucking life for your fucked-up-self... and you think that while winning the race would be somehow noble, right now you'd rather just be a contender!!!

Okay, I'm feeling all the above right now and I'm getting depressed every minute as I type this shit. Someone told me this morning at breakfast that we're in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

By the way, is the answer to every question something about this thing call "balance"?

Suddenly, I feel a resolute need to have a beer. That ought to balance this shit out.

Cheesy Again

I owe a certain beautiful woman a cheese cake (I fondly call her 'BITCH' simply because she is actually one...through and through).

And because I was moved by the sermon in church today, I was compelled to bake and make good my promise to her. Yes, this promise I made a year or so ago to be exact.

I baked this once too many times before and it is still my favourite but for the life of me I have not been able to get the right texture and consistencies. It either turned out to be over baked or hasn't got the right texture. You know what I mean...the ones that melt in your mouth kind. But I just love New York cheesecake.

And if you didn't know yet, cheesecakes by the way is not a cake, it is a custard. And baking them requires low heat and proper stirring, baking and timing. And if the steps are not done properly, your cheesecake will be marred with cracks or crevasses or you could end up with a sunken batter. And this happens all the time to me too BUT do not fret because cracks do not ruin the flavor of a cheesecake. You ask, why is it that the ones they do at the bakery are perfect but unless you have a big ass swanky oven with 7 dials to control the temperature and other 'magic' switches that probably will set you back 10 grand or more like what these bakeries have you wont get the same results. But nevermind that because I do not have a big ass swanky oven and this one turned out just as good. But even if your cheesecake gets some cracking and shit, do this - coat the top with fruits or you can just go over to your friendly neighbourhood bakery and get them to do the topping.

I get this question a lot from my group of old ladies friends and homemakers when we get together - Just how do you make a perfect cheesecake? I told them I haven't yet but I think exact baking temperature is vital and do not over beat the sugar and cream cheese. Think low speed. Its got to be light and fluffy until you get a smooth consistency. Beating too much air into the cheesecake may cause it to puff up during baking and then when it cools down it falls and this is the shit that creates the cracking. Cheesecakes require even heat to rise properly and it is for this reason that one must not open the oven door during the first 30 minutes of baking. And for heavens sakes, leave it in the oven after its done for at least 2 to 3 hours to cool before you transfer it in the fridge.

So, to begin....I used Graham Cookies today because you can never go wrong with this shit. Go to my cheesecake entry a few months back on how to go about the crust. Everything else is the same.

Filling :-

500gm cream cheese [Philadelphia ONLY]
1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, if you want
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 table spoon vanilla
5 large eggs
2 large egg yolks
1 cup heavy cream / yoghurt / fresh milk

Bake at say, 350 degrees for 15 mins and reduce to 250 degrees for the next 1 1/2 hour. Look through the glass window of your oven and if the sides are firm and the centre looks as if its a little wet and not done then thats a good sign that your cake is good. I read a lot of recipe books that allows the top to be golden yellow which means you'll get a hard consistency which is also good but you know New York cheesecakes should always be be soft and creamy. And the most important factor of them all...*drum rolls...

~And that it must melt in the mouth~

I will give it to her tomorow and I just hope she'll like it.

Bitch!!!

Feel Good Mode

Ahhhh...what a day it turned out to be.

Today was a good day. A busy day, an exhausting day, but a good day. Today I joined with a group of old friends and helped at the Cheshire Home. I used to help with charity work quite a lot way back when I was in high school and the Cheshire Home was one of my favourite. This is besides the Salvation Army Home and sometimes the local hospital that I used to visit. And then I went to college and became very busy.

Last week a friend who was from the same group from way back when I wasn't busy called and asked if I wanted to help out like old times. Said I was not going to be disappointed solely because he knew I would enjoy the Cheshire Home. He didn't give me much to work with except asking me to be at the place before 9:00am. And he didn't even give me a chance to tell him I wasn't able to make it at the specified time. He cheerfully said,"I'll see you at 9. Saturday" and hung up.

And so just before lunch today and about two hours late, I arrived at a familiar place and was greeted by my friend. Said we will do this about every 6 weeks, and today was our first go at it. And just like that I was a part of the team again.

I saw a few familiar faces. Teachers and helpers. Said my hello and then it was time to entertain the kids. I counted 25 special kids and my crew were already deep into the programme. I took over and did my thing - the guitar and some songs mostly. Some kids were grateful, some were chatty, others were subdued which was expected of a tough crowd such as it was. This goes for both the givers and the receivers.

It is a gift to be able to participate in something that reminds us how fortunate we are. At the end I was exhausted, hungry having not taken time to eat, but satiated with something much greater. For a few hours today, I felt I made a real difference. And I feel good.

It's the little things.

It's now 9:48pm, on a lovely Saturday night. I feel I should just continue feeling good by hitting the pub now.

Over to you, Hikaru.

Last Days

I have been visiting my aunt who is admitted at the cancer ward for the past few weeks. She looks physically fine and is just waiting for her turn at the radiotherapy thingy. I never did like hospitals. Still don't. Especially the cancer ward.

I was at the hospital again yesterday. For the few times that I went to see my aunt, this old man was always seating at the lobby just before the main entrance into the wards. I saw him again yesterday and he greeted me with a smile as usual. He was always alone.

I gave him some oranges I bought earlier and sat next to him. Tells me he didn't have any family in the city and that he has cancer in his shoulder bones, which has now spread to his lungs. He has been staying there for the past two weeks and after the various tests, the doctors are in the process of deciding whether to amputate his arm and/or give him chemotherapy. But he is very sure he does not want to have his arm amputated and has decided to leave the hospital without anymore treatment.

I think the old man is wise in choosing to live the last days of his life in his own home where he is most comfortable and where he can be with his family and friends, instead of the hospital which is quite far away from his home. Tells me there is nothing much that medicine can do to prolong his life significantly. I agreed.

Why should he spend any more of his precious time left, going through a major operation and being ill from the chemotherapy, which may weaken him and prevent him from enjoying the last days of his life? I am glad that he has determined to go home against medical advice. I just hope that he will not have to suffer too much pain during the last days of his life.

I'll end this one with a quote from William Cullen Bryant...

So live that when thy summons comes to join the innumerable caravan,
which moves to that mysterious realm,
where each shall take his chamber in the silent halls of death,
then go not like the quarry-slave at night,
scourged to his dungeon,
but sustained and soothed by an unfaltering trust,
approach thy grave like one that wraps the drapery or his couch about him,
and lies down to pleasant dreams...

Morning Walk

I went for a walk yesterday morning. The skies was clear with some low haze or clouds but it looked like it was going to be a promising holi-day.

Up Mount Singgai, a Catholic pilgrimage centre. I haven't been feeling good inside the past few days and I thought going up that 'prayer mountain' would set me straight.

When I arrived at the place, I met two lovely old couples doing their Catholic rites along the way. They smiled and asked if I wanted to join them in their prayers. I declined politely and asked them if they could pray for me instead. As you walk the path, there are few prayer stops where you can do, well, your prayers. If you want to.

It was a beautiful morning and due to my already abused and battered body from all the excessive drinking and smoking and late nights, it took me more than an hour to reach the top. But it was good.

Walking can be therapeutic. It gives me a lot of time to think and to think while moving, which is different from thinking while you're lying in your bed, is I think, better. In bed my thoughts seems to go round and round and round. Plus walking can actually take you places. I find it amazing how we're equipped to go anywhere if we persist and have some time.

Makes me think about people who can't walk or have limited locomotion and the consequences it must have on their life perspective, not to mention their quality of life. Must be similar to a prison sentence. I don't know. Maybe.

I think the way we walk is very characteristic of us.

Do you walk slowly or do you take everything with you as you go by?

Bunga

School Days

Can you even believe this shit? I was told by some people at dinner last night that school days are the best days of your life.

I say, bullshit!!!

And I say these people has got to be punched in the throat and kicked in the gonads. If you ask me, the best days of your life are the ones where you sit about doing fuck all and if you feel like doing something you can do it in your own fucking good time.

Not at the behest of some fuckers with a clipboard checking to see if you’re late. Or if you've done your work. Or if you've got any other books in that bag of yours other than your text books and shit like that because I was caught with a few issues of 'Combat' once and I got two lashes across my fucking ass because of that.

I say, fuck all that!!!

I think.

This, That and Picture Story II

It turned out to be yet another beautiful day. I was at church this morning which is expected of a good Christian boy such as myself. The sermon on 'Hope' was timely considering today is the the very first Sunday of the year if that is of any significance at all. But it's actually not. It's just another Sunday.

I was supposed to attend this three day marathon birthday bash which was to start last night but due to Friday's mega drinking episode and what resulted as a super nova mega-ness throbbing headache coupled with a wild and uncontrollable bowel activity the morning after, I decided it was best not to go. I cannot even begin to describe the mess in the toilet bowl this morning because it was just...disturbing. And the smell...urgghh.

But late last night, a friend from the legal fratenity called and announced a serious emergency. It seemed that my presence was greatly missed at this homie's farewell party. For the life of me, I have completely forgotten about the invitation and told the person to extend my apology to the host while informing her of my predicament. She didn't sound too happy but hung up all the same. But minutes later, she called again and said she and a crew was in her car and outside the gate of my house!!!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!

People just don't take me seriously anymore.

I went outside and found two of them standing in the drizzle, obviously tipsy, explaining why I just had to be there and that the host was in 'very deep, deep, deep sadness' all because yours truly wasn't at his party. And that they were equiped and ready to make a scene if I didn't go. Oh, I tell you, I have never felt so important and needed. EVARRR!!!

I was not about to wake the neighbours so I went despite my badly abused body. 'Graced' the bloody party and drank a bit. Cheap whiskey and that green liquid thingy. Abyss...something. Was too zoned out of my mind later. I left early.

Time check - It's 2337hrs. I just got back from an aunts house. It is her birthday today and I had a few glasses of wine. I went with the wine because whatever I had from last night is still in me. But I feel good inside now. Warm and fuzzy. Wine makes me feel like this all the time.

Ok...here's a picture story.

The jungle addidas

Baskets

Kids

Picture Story I

Shy little girl

Sisters by the window

Raindrops on bamboo

A cat and lots of peanuts

Staring into the wild unknown

In deep contemplation

Ano Novo

I am not one to get into the whole New Years resolutions thingy. I have evolved and I'm over that. Too old. I mean, why should we resolve to do things differently just because it’s the first day of a new calendar year? In my mind, that day and today is the first day of the rest of my life and so if you have some bright idea to change the way you do things, fucking do it already.

I was on my way to the saltmine this morning and was asked by no less than 5 concern individual what my new year resolutions were. Told them I was still working on the list I made 27 years ago.

So, nope. No resolutions shitnitz here, no yearly projections on matters that could have been resolved yesterday. Today, and like every other day is no different than the last or the first for that matter. So on the 1st day of this year and the day set aside for everyone to poetically list their resolutions of sorts and all that, I pondered on my themed reflection of my attitude towards this new year which is "WHATEVER". But I shall not mock resolutions for fear of hypocritcally condemning myself to the same shame for this mere act of happenstance.

And just so I can amuse myself and also that it would be politically correct of me, I thought why not.

I shall, this year endeavour to do the following :-

Watch more Hikaru Koto

Work on my consumption of big cats while thinking of Hikaru Koto