Q's

Have you felt like this?

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are even right now. Thats a fucked up feeling right there.

And then you start realizing that people are actually selfish and that, maybe, just maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the coolest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. And then you think if they are actually realizing that too, and hope that they aren't really that cold, mean, insincere, fucked up but hope that they are as confused as you.

And then you look at your job (like I'm looking at myself right now)... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you’re going to have to start at the fucking bottom and that scares you.

And then your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. How fucked up is that???

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You start to laugh and whine with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. And suddenly, this thing call "change" is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past for dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stick to where you are or fucking move on.

And then you worry about that fucking loan, credit card or for the priviledge few - cards, money, your health and what's that sharp pain in the under side of your left arm, the fucking future and making a fucking life for your fucked-up-self... and you think that while winning the race would be somehow noble, right now you'd rather just be a contender!!!

Okay, I'm feeling all the above right now and I'm getting depressed every minute as I type this shit. Someone told me this morning at breakfast that we're in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

By the way, is the answer to every question something about this thing call "balance"?

Suddenly, I feel a resolute need to have a beer. That ought to balance this shit out.