Happy WhatDay

...not fifty.

I think we all need to remember that this country was created in 1963, not 1957.

No biggie there. It's ok with me. If the powers that be wants us to accept the "official" independence day on 31st of August, fine. But seriously folks, I read in the papers just the other day this certain minister, taking the American example, said since Hawaii joined or was annexed into the union of the United States late and it was ok for them to celebrate the independence day together with the rest of the 49 states on the 4th July, so therefore we should, as Sarawakians follow the same spirit.

And I'm like, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!

But thats ok as long as we never forget that 16th September is important too. We're very different from each other, east and west. Different races. Different culture and different customs. Even have different histories. But that does not mean that we're not one country. Doesn't mean that we can't be united. Doesn't mean one is better that the other.

And so we all know 31st of August 1957 was the day that Malaya got its independence from the British Empire. Not Sarawak and Sabah. They were colonised. We were ruled, YO!!!. By a white pirate.

It is also the official date for our National Day. But this country was officially created on the 16th of September 1963 with Singapore, Sabah and Sarawak forming the new federation together with Malaya, although most casual observers and lay people probably wouldn't know that. Even my sister doesn't. Singapore left or was sort of asked to...leave in 1965 unfortunately or dare I say, fortunately. But I'll say it again like I've said so many times before. There is simply not enough mention of that eventuality into the formation.

I can safely say that many Sarawakians and Sabahans feel kind of slighted by this apparent lack of recognition. Oh, yes we have hosted the National Day celebration but having to host it is not even close to being enough.

But I sincerely think a little respect would be nice. After all, the resources of the two states help power the whole country does it not? Think petroleum, gas, and that huge dam. And what about the so called conditional and exclusive rights the two East's enjoyed when they put their John Hancock on the dotted lines? Even those is slowly being taken away. Irrelevant now, they say. Remember when the Westerners had to use their passports to enter the state?

It would be nice if a little more of Sabah and Sarawak history make it into the national education syllabus. It would be nice if we could get the lions share from our oil and other resources. We really do need it. That being said, we Sarawakians are lucky. Our politics are relatively stable and the state government, for all its shortcomings, has so far done an adequate job balancing our books.

It would also be nice if we could get more TV and media time, if only to prevent West Malaysians from thinking that Easterners still live in trees, are naive jungle dwellers and have no access to technology. I'm not being paranoid. Go ask any Sabahan or Sarawakian who has studied, lived and worked in the Peninsular and they can tell you about all the dumb questions that we keep getting from Westerners. It's not their fault really. They don't know.

This has a side effect. Part of why Sabahan and Sarawakians are so fiercely proud of their state and heritage is the very fact that we feel we are misunderstood and ignored. Our loyalty lies with our state first.

So heres to you my country. And a very Happy 44th Birthday Malaysia.

Sinking Feelings

Someone called me this morning and in our conversation she said, " I'm getting that sinking feeling again". I shall not get into the details but suffice to say that I got rid of her fast because I wasn't in the mood to play shrink.

Sinking feelings aren't usually due to happy, good things. No, we get sinking feelings when we hear the phone ring in the dead of the night or when you get that piece of mail from the bank or when the doctor gives you that look.

I have plenty of situations my own that could certainly be applied to those types of situations. But, I'm setting aside all the negative for today simply because I had one too many last night and that I left Ruai at 2 this morning and that I have a slight throbbing headache at the left side of my left parietal lobe - if that serves any relevancy to the matter I shall now expound. Besides, I can always pick all the shit back up tomorrow.

Instead, I want to think of the good things that can come from 'I get that sinking feeling'. I might stray off the main path slightly but I think the general idea will still be there.

1. Sinking into pools of big cats. All 24 of them, if I can. This is one of the best sinking feelings I can come up with. It still amazes me, after 10 years or more together, that all my troubles can seem less important or urgent when I wrap my fingers around one of them. I can stand or sit there grasping them firmly, saying nothing, for hours on end and some how it is just what I need to feel better.

2. Sinking into bed. With a woman, preferably.

3. Sinking into a good book. I can loose hours when reading a good book. Whole days will disappear while I sink into the world of whatever book I'm reading. I can devour books in a matter of one evening. But, there is something to be said about a good story that pulls you in. There are times when I think about a story and I will have a hard time remembering if it was a book I read or a movie I watched. The images and characters in a book can become so real to me that I can see them in my head and the book can play out like a movie in my mind's eye.

4. Sinking your teeth into good food. They don't call it 'comfort food' for nothing. I know it is a bit of a cliche to mention how men and greasy food go together, but for some of us it is so true. Something about a favorite food just helps make a bad day a little better. When you sink your teeth into that favorite food and your eyes roll back into your head...there is something powerful in that. Like good sex.

5. Sinking into your imagination. There is no bad situation that you can escape...if only momentarily...by using your imagination. I imagine myself in my dream job...or at least in a different job than I am in. I imagine being with Hikaru Koto...how I will sink myself into her and make her feel complete, some shit like that. I can imagine and day dream all sorts of things...and isn't it always nice when those things happen to come true.

Cravings And Choc

Cravings can be a horrible thing. They badger and wheedle and whine at you until you give in...or figure out how to give in. In my former life, I had something of a sweet tooth. If it was sweet and didn't run away, I ate it. If it tried to run away, I gave chase and beat it down until it cried, "Fine! Eat me! You'll pay for it later!".

And so this morning, I decided to give in to my cravings and hang my Christian robe so I could bake my favorite cookie. Its my very own recipe. And all you need are these :-

1. Plain and wholemeal flour
2. 3 eggs
3. Choc chips
4. Almonds and walnuts
5. Lots of soft brown sugar
6. A little caster sugar
7. Lots of butter
8. Some cinnamon
9. Vanilla essence
10. Sour cream
11. Bicarbonate of soda
12. A little salt
13. Langkau...if you want

I didn't think putting the measurement and the step-by-step preparation was necessary here because its really up to you. Of course you've got to mix the butter and two sugar first and add on the eggs and the rest after you get a good creamy mix of the butter, sugar and eggs. Bake at 190 deg for 10 mins.

What's important is the consistency of the batter later. You don't want the batter to be too soggy or too thick either.

The end result? It was amazingly nice as always. Sweet and nice.

And for that, my Protestant God would have approve my not being in church today.

Wish

Call me superstitious but I truly believe in the power of wishing. And because I believe strongly in wishes, I have not uttered one for a long time. Not even on my last birthday which was last March, when I turned 24. Simply because, I conform to the idea that one must be extra careful with what one wish for. Just like that song by that American Idol reject. The times when I wished to get lucky with that lady over there doesn't count because that's not a wish. That would be my dick thinking out loud. Very loud sometimes. But I'm talking about seriously thought wishes like, 'I wish for world peace' kind.

Something happened a few nights ago when I got hold of a medical related magazine lying on the table. Picked it up and in one of the sections, a whole page was devoted to selected three wish lists made by cancer patients. This got me to think. I kept wondering what would my three innermost wishes be and after painful hours of meditations and pondering and with a little help from a few big cats, this is what I came up with :-

I wish for happiness for myself and all close to me. For my mom and dad. I think this wish will put an end to their retirement worries and get them to start enjoying these years of freedom.

For my kid sister and brother, I would hope this wish would bring them both the happiness they seek in their professional and private life, if they even have one. And for all my other family members and friends, I hope this wish will put an end to their worries and bring them the absolute happiness I think they deserve.

I wish to communicate with my loved ones once they've passed away. Since I've never had anyone extremely close to me pass away I'm scared to think about what my life will be like if I can't see or talk to the people I love most. So with this wish I'd still be able to see and talk to them as if they were still alive.

I wish for wealth. Not necessarily in monetary form and I don't mean to come off as being shallow or ungrateful for wishing for money because I'm really not. But let's face it. Being wealthy can be beneficial and rewarding. Wishing for wealth would allow me the time and opportunity to pursue my dreams, travel and ultimately, get lucky with that lady over there. And with that one. And also that one over there.

So when downing my very first big cat later today, I'll think of these wishes and frigging hope my genie is listening.

Twisted and Wicked

Those calls in the night
WICKED

The secret messages
TWISTED

The plans made
WICKED

The whispered innuendos
TWISTED

That look in you eyes
WICKED

The feelings unleashed
TWISTED

The touch of your hand
WICKED

the feel of your skin
TWISTED

Flesh on flesh
WICKED

Bodies together
TWISTED...

Just the thought of you
WICKED

De-Lay

Maybe its just me. I don't know.

But I feel like the gods of all flying things may have a problem with me. On Thursday afternoon I was made yet again to wait for 3 hours before my goddam flight was finally good to fly. For the fifth time, on the same airline and at the same airport in three months.

So I took some time out - read several chapters of Kundera, nestled into a hard plastic chair in the cafe. The couple’s conversation at the next table was distracting. The girl’s voice anxious and shrill. It cuts into my scalp, my ears prick up involuntarily.

Their dialogue is broken, bad grammar. Her voice is halting as she reaches mentally for words. I try not to listen but my own childhood English draws me in, away from Kundera’s blissful, agonized voice.

Just at the point of despair, she starts up again in Cantonese. Her sentences become longer, more confident, emotional. It is as if a dam is burst, her emotions tumble out one after another in short, sensuous syllables. Their heads lean in towards each other. Drawn by an invisible string I can neither see nor understand.

I breathe a sigh of relief. I am not distracted by that which I do not know - I settle back into my ignorance comfortably.

But to stay at the table had begun to evolve into something bordering madness, a foible.

I drank my last drop of beer and headed to the toilet.

I took the longest crap ever. In an airport.

Time

If I could stop time...And here I must...pause...because...I get really confused when bending the laws of relativity. If time speeds up around me then I'm moving much slower and that's kind of a good thing - what is this life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?

Conversely, if time slows down I'm going to be seen by the rest of society as one of those bastards who dashes about like a blue-arsed fly - I don't like that. So, it follows, if time STOPS, I'll disappear into the void of infinity with a puff of dust, like some manic cartoon roadrunner - beep, beep!!!

So, if I could stop time - I most def-fuck-in-ite-ly wouldn't!!!

But if I could grab an alternative super power out of the box it would be the ability to fly because that has got to be the best thing for the environment right now - that and the fact that I detest wasting time in airports.

my ride's clock is fast

i'm living in the future

driving in the past

Sunday

I, a sinner, was again late as usual for church this morning. The preacher man was already into the sermon for the day and after I took my seat, set my sight forward to the pulpit and attempted to listen. Three minutes into the sermon, I think I slept. Because I heard something which vaguely sounded like this -

"Gaaaaaad!!!..death..death..Gaaaaad...loves..forgive...gay marriages...rrrrggghhhddeath"

And then I woke up, I think. I whispered to the young man seated to my right and asked if he had the bulletin. He passed his to me, smiled and said, "Too much last night, huh?"

Damn beer breath!!!.

I scanned through the bulletin and it read 'DEATH'. In bold print. Yup, topic of the week.

Anyhoooo, I thought a topic like that was just too heavy for me to swallow and might get me into a passive mood. Which would later spoil what could be a promising good day. And so I quietly left my seat and went to see the usual sinners, loitering at the front of the church.

A sinful brother, bible opened to a chapter, read this to me :

Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.
Amen.

And after reading that, showed me this :

Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right, yo;
Do what's best- as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us chilling with you and so we chill with others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and da Devil.
Cos you're in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You're ablaze in beauty!
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Now, here is another rather poetic version (how presumptuous - but written with all the Christian love and sincerity nonetheless :

Dearest Papa,
residing in the faraway firmament -
I speak Your name with both reverence and delight.
Bring me to where You are,
in word and deed and thought.
Never let me go hungry for Your Word,
keep me ever grateful to You
as I am ever grateful for those around me.
Maintain me in Your love,
keep from me free from misfortune and misery.
You are King, You are Master, You are Magnificent!
And that's all there is!

And just like that, I heard the closing prayers from inside.

My Sunday turned out to be good after all. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Being Not At The Stupid Thing

While everyone else was at that stupid thing over in Damai for the fest, Jas and I hopped into kanid Kelvin's four wheeler and drove over to Danu, a small Bidayuh village about an hour or so from the city. Incidentally, it was going to be my first visit.

Jas figured, doing the fest for one day was enough while the other remaining two days of his short visit compensated by doing some real local stuff. He figured, there will be another fest again next year. And since whatever happened that Friday already looked all too familiar, nothing much will change next year. Jas was just as enthusiastic about the trip as I did knowing very well he was about to be baptized and initiated into the realm of langkau-ism.

And so very early on Saturday morning, we made the ritual stop over at our usual pork shop and got the obligatory pig face.

It was going to be a promising day.

We arrived at Danu and our entourage was greeted with the usual pomp I witnessed on a few other trips together with kanid Kelvin to some of the villages before this. We were lucky that day. The village was preparing for a feast and the men were busy cooking at one of the house where we were ushered into. And like in any Bidayuh villages, the hospitality one get is second to none. It wasn't lunch time yet and although we did not want to intrude into what they were doing, the men insisted that we sampled their food. And so food emerged from the kitchen. Simple food - rice wrapped in leaves, pork innards, chicken feet and jungle vegetables. And of course, to compliment these - the unassuming, unpretentious bottle of langkau was ceremoniously served.

Though all around the table were men of the most exquisite good manners, they were all close acquaintances, if not all actually relatives, and all had consumed their personal limit of langkau. The men had already started drinking earlier that morning.

Under these circumstances, the rules of social intercourse altered somewhat. We all could speak bluntly and there would be no lingering rancor about it. We also spoke of good tidings from the city while the villagers told of a good hunt the previous week. It was also frog season, the village elders said. And then the drinking started.

We were invited to the feast but we didn't want to intrude further into their private affairs and so we walked down to the river armed with the necessary beer and a bottle or two of langkau. We met kanid Kelvin relations by the river who arrived earlier and found they had already started a fire.

While we were busy passing the langkau around, Jas on the other hand, attempted to be cute which went terribly wrong as you can see.

Our pig face burnt slowly on the fire and still, we continued to drink.

I remember coming in and out of consciousness but in a nice, mellow way. I then decided to lie down on the kerangan and before I knew it I was dreaming of Hikaru Koto. She was sooo...beautiful. Nevermind.

It was already getting late and kanid Kelvin decided to pay his good friend Rog a courtesy visit. We walked among old rubber and cocoa trees to this newly constructed little house at the edge of the village. What surprised me most was that as we were walking pass village houses, choruses of loud generator sets filled the cold evening.

Oh, Danu folks doesn't have the luxury of electricity and so each house, if the owner can afford it, has a generator set. Which is funny because Danu is just an hour or so from the city and not 15 minutes down the gravel road, another village of similar size enjoys cable electricity. And I'm thinking, my democratic government must have missed this one.

Rog, who had just arrived from the feast was delighted he had our company and immediately instructed his beautiful wife to prepare the evening meal. Rog's house is a small one with a kitchen and an outdoor toilet. He prides himself saying that he built all of it on his own. There wasn't any bedrooms and he, wife and only daughter slept in the living room which also doubles as the dining room. No furniture was in sight and the only light was from a small fluorescent bulb fed to a battery cell. He has a plot of land next to his house and the jungle just beyond. Tells us his food comes from the land and river just outside his house.

He was excited, saying we were lucky because the previous night, he and his wife went down to the river and caught a few frogs and as luck would have it, he also caught a reasonably fat baby python. And that was dinner. The meat, as with all other meat, is salted to keep it good and dinner was of course very salty but it went down well with...more langkau.

And as we sat on the floor eating frogs and python, the drinking continued into the night with Rog and his wife. Kanid Kelvin made himself very comfortable at one corner and snored away. As the good spirit took the better of us, Jas professed his love for the village and the people. I swear it was the langkau kicking in and disrupting his neurotransmitter. Something symptomatic of a very intoxicated individual. If he had pen and paper then, he could have written a song.

We left just before midnight and as always, I can't help but feel emotionally and spiritually fulfilled. It isn't just the drinking but its the wholesome effect that I always get when in touch with the simplicity of life and how yet again I am reminded that I am of the village and of the jungle. Jas, on the other hand continued his emotional speech about loving everything about our state. And why shouldn't he? He'd been baptised. In fire.

This here is a Bidayuh longhouse in another village kanid Kelvin took us on Sunday morning. After much vomiting at my house the previous night which happens to be a ritualistic effect after consuming langkau, Jas was taken to task yet again. But he now realise what copious amount of langkau can do to a person.

I've been to Sadir with kanid Kelvin on a few occasion and have come to enjoy the company of the Bidayuh folks there. We arrived with our usual bags of goodies comprising bottles of langkau, pig face and beer. Met the usual village suspects and were later entertained to other village poison which I adamantly refused to consume. I can't remember what one of the village elders brought but it was suspiciously bottled in a Label 5 complete with its original packaging.

The village women took no notice of us, minding their own and getting on with their work on the common veranda.

And here's a funny guy who wants to be a Punjabi. Jas pulled that one on him. Its his way of getting back at us - wild, uncivilised folks.

We were not impressed.

But I honestly hope that after two days of solid drinking and mingling with the locals, Jas would have learned something valuable.

That a bottle of langkau cost MYR6.00.

Ha.Ha.Ha.

Hon, can you move a little to the left?. Yesss....okay, now smile.

RIIIIGHT.