Emotional Concept

There's this article I read recently in the paper, I can't remember which one. Something to do with rude drivers having 'low emotional maturity'. That was an interesting article.

Emotional maturity. Riiiiggghhhhtttt...now that's an interesting concept.

Last night, I had a very bad argument with somebody. But the argument is not the point. The point is I noticed something about myself. Something troubling.

Last night's argument should not have happened.

And this morning, I got really upset at an innocuous support call. I know people don't call to annoy me, they call because they need help. And yet, even knowing that, I very nearly lost it.

In the last 24 hours, I have been losing my temper MUCH too fast. I'm beginning to turn into something I detest.

Dammit. I have no idea why.

In my entire life, I have never ever thought that I could have trouble with temper because that's just not me. I don't get pissed off. Period. Or at least it's always in control. Anger was never a problem. And don't start me with that stupid movie because I haven't seen that one yet either and I heard it sucked big time.

This is just great, while I grapple with one demon, along comes reinforcements. This is a good joke, eh?

Anyway, I need to do something about this before I inadvertently destroy myself, my friends and whatever I hold dear. Like my Tiger. I can't afford to lose any of these. I need to calm down. I'm concerned about this. I'm a lot of things, but one of those things that I don't want to become is a person who flies off the handle on the slightest provocation, for no good reason at all. I don't like that, in the people I'm with and most of all in myself.

I hate anger. Anger destroys. I don't want it any more than random episodes of being uncertain of shit. I don't like it when people get angry (especially the ones that are sudden and without reasons) and here I am, in danger of becoming exactly that. What the hell???

I'm going to have to force myself to be calm, to be rational, no matter what kind of provocation I encounter. This is what I need to do today.

No matter what things I hear or what people say or whatever they accuse me of, I'm going to try my hardest to deal with that without losing my temper.

...relax, nothing is under control...nothing is under control...I am light...I am a star...I am a peaceful being...relax, nothing is under control...

Alien Rain

I'm of an alien race
and foreign to this
damned world...
hostile because it has been
cheated of
all things noble...
things which I have been
endowed with...
This world tries to rob me
of my gifts...
pulling me into the eternal fires of
hatred, anger and envy
I avoid its desperate grasping,
but can do nothing for those
native to this misery, save
weeping a torrent of tears
that flood this world with the
realization that it cannot
escape its ultimate end
by manipulating my life...
The clouds burst, drizzling
upon my foreign head
uncountable centuries of pain
and a primitive hunger for survival...
Being that my origin is
not of this world
I do not share this torture,
still...I find myself
drowning in the deluge...
Damn this beautiful rain, falling from these alien skies...
Damn this beautiful rain...

Langkau

Didn't I mention in my last entry that our local moonshine can do terrible things to a person. Oh, yes it really can. Look at just how wasted our Alaskan grizzly is.

For the benefit or rather for those of you sorry ass mortals who will never have the privilege of tasting this divine spirit, let me just describe how its like. Think whisky but multiply that by say, 147 to the power of 15. That's how how good and potent it is.

Depending on which village in Sarawak you get it from, sometimes the taste can be gentle and is only there for a few seconds, other times it can be strong and have staying power of a few days. Others have almost no perceptible smell whatsoever. That's the kind I like. Quiet, gentle and straight forward. Langkau like this survives on its flavor and presence alone. Neither end of this spectrum is inherently better than the other. More often then not, the fragrance of langkau is a function of the style of that particular village, which it tied in to water and the rice. So, basically assume that the result was not by accident, but was precisely what the ibu (if the brewer is an Iban lady, which is always the case) wanted to make. Personally, I prefer the ones that comes from Kampung Stutong. An Iban village believed to be where the best langkau brewers hails.

Both styles have their fans and their times and places. The food (or lack thereof), the company and the mood will all contribute to the experience. It is best taken with petai as I just discovered on a recent trip if you have no qualms about pungent gasses when you fart later that is or with a pig head over the fire.

The impact langkau has is affected by many things in how it is produced. The water, the yeast type, alcohol content and rice type all have a say.

Langkau can light up your entire palate - often times overly so which is why most langkau is watered down from the naturally occurring obscene alcohol content. Word of caution though, like all moonshine, fatalities have been reported due to over consumption of this glorious poison. And on that note, Kelvin showed me a photo he took with his tech savy camera phone of three young men in deep slumber on the pavement of a shophouse. One was still in his office attire. Yes, you guessed right. An empty bottle of Chap Langkau was very close by.

Four crucial elements are involved in brewing langkau - water, skill, yeast and rice. More than anything else, langkau is a result of a brewing process that uses rice and lots of water. In fact, water comprises as much as 80% of the final product, so fine water and fine rice are natural prerequisites if one hopes to brew great langkau. But beyond that, the technical skill needed to pull this all off lies with the ibu, the type of yeast they use, and the limitations entailed by local water.

My neighbour's mother who is from Simunjan is a brewer in her own right. She proudly told me once that she makes the best but thats what every grandmother will claim. She gave me a quick lecture on how it is made and if I remember correctly a general description of langkau brewing goes something like this.

Rice is washed and steam-cooked or just cooked. This is then mixed with yeast. The whole mix is then allowed to ferment, with more rice, and water added in batches over a few days. This fermentation, occurs in a large jar. This mash is allowed to sit for a whole month, after which it is pressed, filtered and blended. It is then boiled where the steam is collected. The first steam collected is very often thrown away for various reasons. One which is customary and where it is set aside for the spirit world. They get the very best. The first fruit kind of thing. And also because the first juice collected is in fact the very most potent. The angel's share, it is called in some part of the brewing world. I think.

Langkau is nice if it comes from the kitchen of a nice old grandmother or an ibu. Your commercialised Chap Langkau doesn't even come close to this shite, I kid you not.

Kelvin, a season langkau connoisseur says the only thing that can neutralise its effect is beer.

Riiiiiiiiigggggghhhhtt....

Kampung Sadir, Alaska and Moonshine

I can still taste the langkau on my lips when I woke up this morning.

Kelvin took me and David, our Alaskan connection to Kampung Sadir, a Bidayuh village about 2 hours drive from the city yesterday afternoon. David is a cool dude even though he's an American. He's a testament that not all Americans are stupid and generally, arse holes.

You see, I met David last week at Havana. Kelvin, who so decided to break away from tradition and do his drinking in a proper place instead, called that afternoon. He asked if I knew of any decent place to have a drink in the city. I told him Havana was the closest the city had to offer to what we envision a decent pub would be. At least they didn't play loud and stupid music.

Kelvin and I go a long way. To the time when we were still kids and oh, so filled with innocence.

And so while waiting for him to arrive, I made small talk with this nice American tourist who was seated at the bar. He told me he didn't vote for Bush which was good reason enough to continue talking to him. Enter David Lama from Alaska.

And so when Kelvin arrived, we made plans for the weekend and included our new Alaskan grizzly friend in. He was more than delighted on the prospect of meeting the locals and actually going to a village.

So last Sunday, we took off. We stopped at a make shift coffee shop along the way and ordered some Tiger to kick start. Stopped again at another village shop to purchase a bottle of langkau. I didn't know that it was illegal to sell these in the open and so the proprietor who was this old man and easily in his late 70's reached behind this cupboard in the corner of his small outfit and took out what we came for.

Upon arrival at Sadir, the village folks enthusiastically greeted Kelvin and his entourage. Something worthy of a rock band. Kelvin is no stranger to the people there and I was informed that on one or two occasion he was too inebriated to drive back and had to spend the night. He is treated like a celebrity. Everyone knows him. I knew right then that I was in safe hands. The village folks, made such a fuss of our presence that they went back to their individual quarters and presented to us baskets of rambutans, buah mawangs and durians. David, the friendly grizzly gobbled as much durians he could which I think was amazing. Oh, then there is this whole bunch of petai that he enjoyed so much too. The rounds of langkau went freely among the village young men and women who were with us on the long house common veranda. The village hunter then took out a plate of fermented wild boar meat which I found was a bit too salty for my liking but went quite well with the moonshine.

The kids loved the grizzly and he clowned around acting like a bear trying his best to scare them but I think he was just drunk. It was our queue to go.

White man can't jump and neither can they climb slippery slopes of little hills. On our drive back on the winding gravel road, Kelvin stopped his car so we can take in the beautiful view surrounding us. The best view, of course had to be from a high point which was on this little slope. Kelvin and I instinctively walked towards the slope, with David the Alaskan grizzly in tow. He was trying his best to keep up. We were already on top when we turned to look behind us to find the grizzly slipping continuously on each effort he made to get to us. It was a sad sight. He eventually made it with a little help.

Especially, in the evenings and everytime after it rains, the view from where we were can be breathtaking.

White men are funny. They are strange. They get even strange-er after a few rounds of langkau. I swear, because David collapsed and rolled on the dirt as soon as he got to the top. If we left him lying there he wouldn't have minded. He even asked to be left alone as he was sure now the savages of Sarawak were not as bad as he was made to believe.

We are nice people and so we told him to haul ass because it was time to hit the waters. We drove a bit further and stopped by this river. But really, I have seen naked white men before in my life but I've never seen one as ugly as our good Alaskan friend. He cooly took of his pants, smiled and slowly went in. Honestly, I was scared. I was fucking scared.

Fuckers, use your imagination and tell me if you won't be. Big grizzly...big, drunk, grizzly...big, drunk, grizzly with a fucking huge dick. And in the fucking waters with us!!! The water was only knee high so every time he fucking stood up, his fucking huge dick was fucking dangling like a fucking bell. Literally. But that's not the point, you see. There were some other shiny metallic things hanging from his grossly looking manliness as well!!!

NOTE : Nothing out of the ordinary happened whilst we were in the river.

Why Hath Thou Forsaken Me?

My long awaited messiah inevitably departs in the end...
This is known by the disciples,
but what of those who never ask for assistance...

You 'saved' my soul after years of mental agony...
pulling me out of my comfortable little world
into the darkness of reality...
forcing me to look into my surroundings to make out the shapes,
though lacking sufficient light...
You changed me, but not the world...

Still, you dropped me on my feet,

though I quickly collapsed onto my knees...
You left my elevated soul flustering

in a world that soon modified itself
so as to maliciously tear my soul to pieces
once again...

Happy New Year and All That Shit

People are still wishing me a happy new year and all that shit. I don't know why they even bother. Its like this - Last year and the year before last and all the previous years were the same. For me. This year will not change either. Unless I strike the 6/49 or some shit like that.

But on a more serious note, I know this is a bit late but o.k, Happy New Year everyone. There.

I was not in town to usher the new year in but rest assured my thoughts were with all of you. Yeah, fucking right.

I wish I could honestly say I felt excited waving 2006 goodbye and welcoming another hopeful year. Well, fuck that. I don't know but I've never got into the hype of all this new year thing. In fact while everyone else were dressed up and at some chic pub/club somewhere in this particular city, I was with the brathas enjoying the Big Cat and few bottles of distilled agavae plant over at one of the boys house. O.k maybe we were too broke to be anywhere but that's beside the point. We were happily drunk and stupefied like any other day of any other year. One bratha started this thing they call the 'count down' just before midnight and while he was going 10, 9, 8, 7...we gave him the stare and sensing the impending hostility from the rest of us he stopped at 6 and said, "Fuck this shit".

Although we did end 2006 with Saddam Hussein's execution, but really it’s not such a bad year at all. For me, it was just uninteresting.

The only fun thing that I could think of happening last year was that delightful pint of black juice I had at Havana. That was heavenly, never drank something more delicious than that. And that near fuck experience I had with this woman which wasn't fun at all.

I'm not going to start making any list of resolution this year, as almost all of last year’s are a goner. Last year's one wasn't even a list but more like some mental 'must-do-this-year' shit but fuck that. I just have one thing to do in 2007 and only one, and that is soul searching. Although that may sound a bit gay but it’s a must. Apparently, I never have any serious interest on anything. Or maybe get my tennis elbow worked on.

I am proud to announce that I accomplished nothing last year because I never really wanted anything that badly. I lived a rather stress-bound existence because I'm still learning the art of detaching my mind from things.

This year I feel the need to contribute more to society and if I do, find an interesting way to do it. I need exciting hobbies to keep me out of my house. I need to reassess my role as a big brother to my two equally crappy siblings. Need to take better care of my ass. Most importantly, I need to decide the right path to divert myself from spending the rest of my life answering phone calls.

Even if it’s not entertaining, I hope 2007 will be informative. Lots of questions waiting for resolutions. Having a fuck friend/partner/toy along the way is just frosting on the cake. Statistically, I shall find myself head over heels infatuated with some random chick by the fourth quarter of this year.

Wonder if my karma really works that way. Hold it!!! I don't even believe in this karma shit. What am I saying???

As Ye Smoke, So Shall Ye Reek

Now, grand ol' dad here is having fun. Doesn't he look like he's having fun? Look closely at the expression on his face and you'll agree that he has no cares in the world. Nothing at all. None whatsoever. Nadda. I don't have to tell you what's he got in that wicked device which consists a small pipe perpendicular in the middle of that...wickedness. That big ass, mind boggling wickedness.

So, to you all average cigarette smoker out there, the world is this grand dad's ashtray. Which brings to mind this quote..."Tobacco is a dirty weed. I like it. It satisfies no normal need. I like it. It makes you thin, it makes you lean, it takes the hair right off your bean. It's the worst darn stuff I've ever seen. I like it."

Astray In Open Space

Astray in a lost world.

Constrained by invisible threads.

Trapped in open space.

Arriving departure, creeping blatantly,

Fills me empty,

As we pretend the truth.

The pleasure in the pain,

To love, to hate.

To give, to take.

Anticipating regret.

I need your nothing,

To start the end.

Jauhar, Temasek, Batam and Koh Samui

(The Man and his Big Cat enjoying being a vegan)

I'm tired. Very tired. I've been away too long. Business and pleasure all rolled into one. Shit!!!There I go again.

Roll...roll...roll...roll...rolling...rolls...roller...rollies.

Oh, for the rest of you and if you're asking how last year went, I have to say that it did fuck all. So there. But really, its good to be back to familiar crap after all that. The minute I hit home last night, I stashed my stuff somewhere in my room and quickly hit the shower. Had a Tiger and was knocked out on the sofa. I woke up to find a half empty can and the TV still on this morning.

(The usual suspects, all good and happy)

I found Jauhar was good to me this time and so was Temasek. Batam Island made me happy but I was happier in good ol' Koh Samui.

Many thanks to Jas for making this round a memorable one. I'm sure the rest of the crew agrees. I shall hold each memories, the good, the bad and especially the fucking ugly very close to my brown arse and inviolate. I say, lets do this shit one more time boys.

Before I left the brathas last night, I was made to swear to secrecy.

And so just to remind myself, I shall not in any way whatsoever make any references to the time on that small little island off the coast of Temasek, when we tried to integrate culturally with our Indonesian sistas and how we laughed and found out later that whatever transpired thereafter did not have a hint of anything cultural about it. Were we not sweaty and sticky later?

As promised I shall not put up any photos or write about the road trip we had nor tell anyone how fucking pissed we were at this beach resort some where up north of the Isthmus of Kra. Rest assured that we were not even there.

I shall not, on the pain of death, reveal to anyone how we became strict vegetarians and celebrated God's magnificent handy work by consuming huge amounts of herbs so much so I think I was at some point wrecked with flashbacks of happier times of which many I don't want to remember. Like this one time at this pub about a year ago...nevermind. I have to confess, I have never ever had so much varieties of vegetables prepared in so many interesting ways for so very long.

I shall also refrain from informing or divulge any details to anyone about the nice Thai ladies who were constantly by our side and who were helping us in our daily activities like cooking, washing and other very domestic chores. I acknowledge that these are just figments of my imagination. But really boys, I swear I can't, for the life of me, remember any of their names now. Raj, you were right and I shall not make any derogatory remarks about these nice Thai ladies ever again. Imagined or otherwise.

There. Now that I got that out of the way, I shall now sleep in peace. But really bratahs, I had fun doing absolutely legal things and was always in bed alone and before midnight every night. I owe you guys one. Just be here in July.

And to you and you and you, I'm sorry I didn't tell earlier. You know how it is. I work better on impulse.