Death

A cousin died on Monday.

Cancer.

And she was only 27 and engaged to be married to a nice boy exactly a week before.

In February, my favourite aunt who was also momma's youngest sister died. She struggled with melanoma and fought it good till the day she passed on. The initial news from the doctor months before that was obviously difficult to take even for me but instead of reigning to the fact that all was lost, she swore to fight back.

She lives near my house and trying to be present for her through that few months, and feeling close to helpless in the face of death and emotional pain, has forever changed the way I think about death, about hope, about healing, about mental health, about compassion.

I saw another human being at her deepest and darkest, and then I was blessed to witness the miracle of her re-emergence from that place. She fought hard and she did good and passed on peacefully. She leaves a wonderful husband and 4 young children, the youngest being 7 this year. She had already lost one child to cancer and that was still painful for her even then. And although I would never wish either side of that journey on anyone, I am grateful to have lived through that experience.

Why am I talking of death now you might wonder. There are nights when I lay on my bed with no sleep and this question lingers - whose death would affect me more, whose death would I fear more. My own? Or those close to me?

I really can’t imagine when people have to deal with their parents death when they are young, after a long time I felt really fortunate to have had my parents all along. they're like my safety net, like a fucking ATM for anything and everything.

And what about my cousin's death? She didn't even know she had the disease. At least that's what her mom and sis tells us. She was beautiful, athletic, outgoing and a God fearing young girl who never missed church on Sundays.

How do you deal with death like this? And then the folks say - God loves her more. Its God's will and other fucked up statement like that. And I'm like whatdafuck, if God loved her more, then I sure as hell think God has a nasty sense of humour by inflicting a burst cyst in her baby pouch before taking the dear life away from her. She didn't even get to say goodbye.

And where the fuck will that leave the now grieving fiance?!!

Secrets

Oh, yeah, I have secrets. Yeah, I fucking do.

But I ain't gonna spill. Not today anyway – maybe not even tomorrow or the day after that. So you dont go and be askin', foo!

It’s good to have secrets, the kind that give a little mystery, lend themselves to depth, dropping only hints of what might be hidden.

Of course, if you know me you also know that everything shows on my face and if you ask a question I’ll probably answer it with far more information than you ever needed to know. Heck, I’d be a fucked up spy.

But there are secrets I’ll keep to the grave. Things that have been trusted to me that aren’t mine to tell. Embarrassing moments I’d like to forget and will tuck into the farthest corner of my mind until they shrink to nothing from lack of fucking air. Dreams that should have been let out into the sunlight so they could grow tall and green. Longings I don’t have the nerve to act upon. These shit will stay with me forever.

I’d like to make a few secrets. A house with a secret room or passageway. A panel that opens with a hidden latch, maybe. Read Coraline yet? Yeah, thats right. Coraline. Not Caroline. Neil Gaiman, yo. No? Then you're fucked, man.

The more I think about secrets, the more I’d like to collect a few. You know, just to keep a little adventure.

No Shame

I'm a free spirit that has been shot down and wronged.
I pleaded for help...a kind gentle mercy...
My heart felt like it rose up to my throat as you choked the life from me.

I cried with pain...can barely speak your name.
Throat swelling,
...burning like a flame,
This fire...this burning,
I'm yearning for help.

This is all I have ever felt...
My life as its slipping.
Veins running cold...
My blood as its churning its last...
My lungs choking for air breathing heavy...

And nobody there to hold me...
Or watch as I fall to my knees,
In a last try to be set free, I'm abandoning all of me.
Because there is nothing left
Why can't I ever just see?

As the rain falls it sucks the life from me...
My one joy to hear and feel the rain and it consumes me.
And this ending pain...
There is no more shame...

Not Enough

I fight, I lay, I strain and I struggle,
The shit just come and my pain it doubles,
The days, months, seconds, minutes and hours go by,
You mess with my life and you take all my powers.

I feel no pain and I show no emotion,
I absorb it and take it,
until it’s too late.
I can feel it now, it hits so fast and hard.
Can’t think,
Can’t fucking breathe,
I want to, but can’t leave.
Can’t help, can’t love, can’t even rest.

All I’m doing is sinking further and further,
I’m in way too deep...
I’m searching and looking for my break in this world,
This stuff is too heavy, and way more than I can hold.

What? So now it’s my fault?
And I sit in regret,
I gave and I promised.

How could you choose to forget?
I may say that I’m fine and walk away smiling,

But if you’d really look at me you’d see that inside I’m dying.
It’s never enough, anything I do,
Never enough!
At least not for you.

Mumps

I woke up yesterday morning with this awful pain just below my left jaw. I touched and felt a lump. It was painful to the touch and then I panicked. I didn't feel good, almost feverish and my throat felt dry but the swelling got me worried.

Could it be the mumps?

But I remember my momma telling me that you get the mumps only once in your life and even that, just before one reaches puberty or some shit like that.

And as I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror I was thinking I couldn't be going through puberty again. I don't think so.

I then called the good doctor and explained to him the symptoms - the temp, dry throat, fever, the swelling.

"Errrrm...viral...mumps", he simply said.

And then announced in one breath that I had the mamo-hetereo-pina-colada-mumbo-jambo and that there was a strong possibility I was going through puberty again. I could almost see him laughing on the other end. Told him I found him to be a very funny person in the morning and managed a little laugh despite the pain in my throat and the nagging stiffness in my neck.

He then asked if there were any swelling anywhere else and insisted I checked my crotch region. No swelling there I said. This time he laughed.

"Could be some viral infection. Come on over and let me look at it", he offered.

"You're not serious, right?", I asked.

"Why not?", he said.

"You actually want to check out my fucking dick?", and that's when he went all medical with me and advised lots of liquid of the good kind and rest with strong caution to stay away from the beer for at least three days.

I like Dr. Eric. We went to school together and I like him best for his morbid humour. Takes after his mom he says.

Whatever. But last night I had a few of the big cats. I figured if this is anything viral then alcohol's the answer.

And strangely enough, I felt better when I woke up this morning. The swelling had gone down a little, the fever is almost gone and I feel good.

Now, I ride!!!

To the fortress of servitude!!!

Awaaaaay!!!

That Stupid Thing

Yes, I'm glad that stupid thing over at Damai is over.

For the past few weeks and especially days leading to the event, I was asked by no less than 63 and a half persons if I was going to attend. Half, because the last person at the bar went - "Dooood, are you going...", when his phone rang. I then quickly walked away.

A couple of nights before the event and over dinner and while I was talking about the event to the young curious cousins, mom suddenly asked if she could go. That's when I almost choked on that stupid fish bone. I asked why she would want to attend something like that and she said, "Well, the last time I went it was nice". Bewildered now and still trying to register how my conservative, god fearing Protestant mother mother would even use the word nice to describe the same, I asked her when exactly did she attend the thing.

"Twice, I think", she said. "It was nice. Orderly. Not many people. Many years ago.", she continued.

And then it hit me. My mom went to the very first one and then attended the second time it was held. I now know I have a cool mom. I heard it was good then. Cheap and yes, very orderly. I wasn't in town and she never told me.

And so, being the nice son that I am, I quickly briefed her on how the event had morphed into something Satanic and evil. So evil that it would make whatever Sodom and Gomorrah offered in the days of antiquity, pale in comparison. I even showed her pictures from the last few events that I attended. Of course being very careful not to show her any pictures that might compromise my good person. And as she was watching the slides of men and women with the little they had on their backs and some none at all and the obvious drunken state they were all in, she cringed and asked why, if I was sane, would I attend such evil-ness.

I reassured her that I was not and that I was planning to chill at the beach instead.

And that's what I did. Our guests from Malaya were faboulous and I must admit I miss some of them now. Someone brought a guitar and we took our Becks and toasted to absent friends, old gods and to the seasons of mist. And we sang songs of praise to the seas, the sun, the moon and about the women and men we love and loved.

It was nice like that.

In The England

There was nothing interesting on the other channels last night so I watched the local eight o'clock news. The TV news crew was interviewing a Kelantanese man on the current debate and issues surrounding the teaching of maths and science in English in schools. The poor dude was caught off guard and simply said that it was important and even used the word 'global' or something like that. He was obviously confused as I was confused. Because I thought these two subjects were already taught in English. Didn't the government implement this like years ago and now there's a debate over it? I thought this shit was already cast in stone and shit!

And then I remembered a couple of mornings ago, down at the coffeeshop, over hearing that this issue is far from settled. It seems the powers that be also now wants English to be a compulsory subject to pass as a prerequisite to qualify to sit for the SPM. This of course did not go down well with certain quarters.

In the mind boggling of the workings of the country's politics, it also seems that the politicians and the the Education Minister himself remains unsure of how to go about this issue. Most importantly, it appears that they do not want to make rash decisions for fear of backlashes if the decision is unsavoury politically.

While still on the same news channel someone whose name escapes me now but all nicely dressed, suit and all and with the obvious politician pomp was interviewed next.

And he went like this - " soooooo...I know lah English subject tu very important. I dulu pun study in English jugak. Our children must be taught this subject. So, kite kat ministry faham sentiment orang kite. But we must understand the bigger picture. This is a very pressing issue. Ini isu penting. So, kita tak boleh politicise isu macam ni. We will discuss this with the minister and I will raise this matter up in the next sitting...".

I pressed the next button and a local soap production was on.

"... so, you know kan, yang dier tu tak nak consider kite punye suggestion. So, I discuss la dengan dier punye mother-in-law. So, you know, yang Managing Director tu...so dier agree lah dengan proposal kite tapi...tu lah...thats why..."

Sounds familiar?

I mean, is this because of habit or because these ones wants to impress people that they could speak in the england?

Aiyah, lets not kid ourselves, lah.