Mumps

I woke up yesterday morning with this awful pain just below my left jaw. I touched and felt a lump. It was painful to the touch and then I panicked. I didn't feel good, almost feverish and my throat felt dry but the swelling got me worried.

Could it be the mumps?

But I remember my momma telling me that you get the mumps only once in your life and even that, just before one reaches puberty or some shit like that.

And as I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror I was thinking I couldn't be going through puberty again. I don't think so.

I then called the good doctor and explained to him the symptoms - the temp, dry throat, fever, the swelling.

"Errrrm...viral...mumps", he simply said.

And then announced in one breath that I had the mamo-hetereo-pina-colada-mumbo-jambo and that there was a strong possibility I was going through puberty again. I could almost see him laughing on the other end. Told him I found him to be a very funny person in the morning and managed a little laugh despite the pain in my throat and the nagging stiffness in my neck.

He then asked if there were any swelling anywhere else and insisted I checked my crotch region. No swelling there I said. This time he laughed.

"Could be some viral infection. Come on over and let me look at it", he offered.

"You're not serious, right?", I asked.

"Why not?", he said.

"You actually want to check out my fucking dick?", and that's when he went all medical with me and advised lots of liquid of the good kind and rest with strong caution to stay away from the beer for at least three days.

I like Dr. Eric. We went to school together and I like him best for his morbid humour. Takes after his mom he says.

Whatever. But last night I had a few of the big cats. I figured if this is anything viral then alcohol's the answer.

And strangely enough, I felt better when I woke up this morning. The swelling had gone down a little, the fever is almost gone and I feel good.

Now, I ride!!!

To the fortress of servitude!!!

Awaaaaay!!!