First Time

I have woken in many a strange place before, mostly after subjecting myself to copious amount of them amber coloured juice and et cetera. Sometimes I was alone but I also remember waking up next to men and women of various sexual orientation. I remember the park benches, once or twice at the bus stop, a few times in the car parking lot, outside the gate of my house and in strange rooms with one or two beautiful woman. Sometimes.

This morning, today, the twenty eight of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand and eight at 9:34am, for the very first time, I woke up in a pub.

That is all.

And to you. You! Yes, you - I appologise.

Hahahhahahhhahaaaaaaa!!!

White Blouse

The Japanese education system got it right

This is what I read in the papers the other day and finally, fucking finally...someone was brave enough to expose this most crucial issue.

A students association has condemned the uniform worn by girls at government schools, saying it encouraged rape and premarital sex.

“The white blouse is too transparent for girls and it becomes a source of attraction,” National Islamic Students Association of Malaysia vice-president Munirah Bahari said in a statement yesterday.

“It becomes a distraction to men, who are drawn to it, whether or not they like looking at it,” she said, calling for a review of uniform policy so that it did not violate Islamic ideals.

Female students at government schools have a choice of wearing a white blouse with a knee-length skirt or pinafore.

They may also wear a ‘baju kurung’ which is a traditional long top and skirt, and a headscarf is optional for Malay students.

Munirah said that ‘covering up’ according to Islamic precepts was important to fend off social ills including “rape, sexual harassment and even premarital sex which involve schoolgirls in their teens”.

“All this leads to babies born out of wedlock and to an extent, even prostitution,” she said.

“Decent clothes which are not revealing can prevent and protect women from any untoward situations,” she said, suggesting that girls wear a blouse of a different colour or with an undergarment.

However, the girls themselves also came in for criticism, with the association saying some used the white blouse to lure men.

“This is the source of the problem, where we can see that schoolgirls themselves are capable of using this to attract men to them,” Munirah said.

“This could see them getting molested, having premarital sex and all sorts of things.” — AFP

Well said Ms Munirah. You got it spot on. I can't agree with you more.

Because, you see, I am one of those who had and still have this issue with girls and especially students in white blouse. I really do. I think it all started when I was in this all boys school and just across the road, yes, were the girls. I remember the days when I just dread the thought of going to school because I'd be confronted by girls in white blouse. Because for some unknown reasons, I was drawn towards girls in white blouse. Which almost guarantees that I'd have an erection and sexual urges the whole fucking day. Come to think of it, its a miracle really, how I actually got through my exams because half of the time while in school, I was thinking about fucking those girls in white blouse.

At one point I thought I had problems...with white blouse and pinafores. I thought I was suffering alone but then I asked Drahman if he had the same problem. That's when I found out half of the class were going through the same, shall I say, confusion. We were all, some male teachers included, fucking turned on by girl students in white blouse.

The other half of the class turned out to be gay and shit as I found out later.

My preference were the ones using baju kurung because I could actually see the girl's bra through her white blouse. Ohhhh...the endless trips to the toilet so I could just jerk off when I couldn't take it anymore. Let me not even start on the condition of our toilets here because they were...unsightly. And I'd be thinking of, I think her name was Aminah or Rosemary; and how I'd just lift her white blouse and suck on her tits because I am a tit person. Of course that was when I was 13 and shy. Rosemary left school early cos she had to be a mom, I think.

And when I was 17, I became more brave and actually got lucky with a few of the girls across the road. Waitaminute!!! I wasn't brave! It was the girls who lured me. Them and their pinafores, white blouse and baju kurung.

And so, Chombi would lure me to her house and we'd be getting it on in her room, white blouse and all. Sometimes she changed and put her baju kurung on and we'll be fucking our brains out. I also remember Mei Mei who used to smile at me from across the road pulling a bit on her white blouse so I could see the outline of her black bra. Ohhhhh, we fucked a few times while watching B grade movies like The Road Warriors at Rex Cinema during the days. And noooo, don't even think we were at it alone. There were times when Edward, Zainal, Jim and a few others were there happily fucking them girls in white blouses and pinafores on rows 67 and 85. I preferred row 73 right under the projection lights so I could see her white blouse while I jerked off all over her stomach.

Yeahhhh, those were the days.

I have come a long way from then and now what I do is park my car near these schools and wait for...

Ok. Ok. Ok. sick. sick. Sick.sick. That is all.

I'm also getting strange bowel movements just thinking about this Munirah person right now.

Meat

Look, I would never be so presumptuous as to put up a burger recipe because I know how you all like your own burger. And I ain't stepping on that. I mean, do what you want to your meat, grill it up, fry that shit or put on some of that damn blue cheese thing - I forgot what its called now- on it, though. I'm telling you it's da bomb!!!

But really, is there anything better than a homemade grilled burger? Tonight I grilled burgers for dinner and then watched the finale of American Idol. Nacho Libre was on HBO and that one is fucking hillarious but I watched that already for the upteenth time and didn't think choking on chunk of meat stuff was a good idea. It's that funny, I tell you.

Don't really care which David wins American Idol. But neither one of them would cause me to spend any money on their album.

But the burgers were great. Theres nothing worse than biting into a dry, unappetizing burger. You wont have that problem with this great grilled burger recipe which I shall humbly share with you. If it wasn't that fucking good, I wouldn't have gone through this fucking trouble now, would I? Burgers that come hot off the grill with a delectable juicy texture that makes every bite really enjoyable. Unless you have problems with cows, you can go for other stupid stuff. Like chicken or rabbit or fish. And if you're a vegan, go fuck yourself.

What It Is :-

Ground beef
1 egg, beaten
1 cup bread crumbs, dry
A bit of evaporated milk
A bit of Terayaki marinade
A bit of ground pepper corns
Garlic, minced
Celery, minced

How To :-

You got to preheat the grill on high setting first. In a large bowl, combine the ground beef, bread crumbs, evaporated milk, Terayaki marinade, pepper corn cos those other shit won't do, garlic and celery. Mix ingredients with your hands. Form into individual patties. Fuck man, if you don't know how to do them patties, you can also go fuck yourself.

Lightly oil the grill grate. Use olive oil. Grill burger patties for 5 minutes on every side, until well done.

Dress with lettuce, sliced tomatoes and that dam blue cheese thing.

If theres one thing that I know that goes great together, its terayaki marinade sauce and meat. Now, that definitely adds a tasty twist to a burger patty. I swear this ground beef burger recipe will become one of your favorites.

The meat marinates in the gravy while it cooks and is oh, soooooo delicious.

Perfect with one or six big cats.

Passenger

I like my Christian brother's especially on Sunday mornings because they get charitable and I get offered to join them for breakfast. I think this is just an effort by the brothers to preach and Christianised me better which is fine by me because breakfast with these lot is almost always errr...entertaining.

So last Sunday while enjoying my super-special-telur-atas -Penang-fried-kueh-tiaw one brother asked me, out of the blue, if I ever felt like I was a passenger in my own life. And I'm like...whiskey tango foxtrot but because it was a Sunday, I just told him a flat no. I know too well where this line of questioning would eventually lead and not intending to give the brother the benefit of continuing this Sunday spiritual inspired talks, I quickly asked him if he thought that guy, Job of the Old Testament, was for real. Yeahhhh, that got the brother going.

But back at my place, I couldn't stop thinking about what he asked. Am I a passenger in my own life?

Although the metaphor is wearing thin, the only thing I feel I'm in control of are speed and direction. And I have a terrible sense of direction. I try to avoid the groove and pot holes, but that means I very often wind up in unexpected places. Sometimes it’s fucking hell. And sometimes it’s not. But I like it this way.

But do I want to be the passenger in my own life? Seems the expected answer would be no and that I want to be the driver but I think I'd rather be the car. Although I’m not so crazy about the car metaphor thing, given the choice (and I have been), I want to be my life. Not a user of my life, not the driver, not the passenger, but actually be my life.

Maybe it’s my age…not yet the wise old man (still tring to figure how I can get my hands on that illusive MYR17,000,000 which I think is the exact amount of moolah that would put an end to my financial woes indefinitely)…but experienced enough to have selected some seasoned perspectives. If my life is a vehicle to be driven, I want to be the car. I want to be my life, not separate from it. I’m leaning away from thinking of my life as something to be moved from one place to another. Life just is, wherever we are and whatever we’re doing. Fuck man, experiences come to us and we just try to fucking live them.

So, no. I don’t think I want to be a passenger in my own life and I don’t want to be the driver either.

But I sure as hell hope this car doesn't break down unexpectedly along the way.

Picture Story V

That thing in the inside of a flower

My kerosene lamp

Burning wood

Woodfire

Green harmless snake

Pissttt

I am about to relate to you an embarrassing tale involving me and public pissing. Yeah, that's right, I have absolutely no fucking personal dignity. I have no shame. None. Especially when I'm not sober. And especially after 13 big cats. I really have no shame.

And that's a good thing because today's tale feature all the hallmarks of humiliation which is public nudity, urine and me, a hapless 27 year old insignificant bastard. Last night was one of those nights when I felt 27 and you know that one need to be of legal age to consume that much of beer and still be able to drive.

So I left Ruai just before midnight last night, told the lovely bar ladyboss to put everything I had on my tab and staggered out before she had even time to question me on my other unpaid bills. I think I had more than 13 big cats. Nevermind. So just as I was about to reach my ride, I suddenly had to fucking piss. In a very, very big way.

In hindsight, the best course of action would have been to piss in Ruai's toilet and relieve the pressure before leaving. Like everyone else and like I always do when I'm not drunk. But nooooooo...

Stupidity prevailed last night and since I was already out I decided not to walk back into Ruai although the very pressing urge to piss was there. Scanning the car park and the general area I found I was alone. At least thats what I thought. I walked to the front of this small red car parked under a tree. The parking lots around Ruai are not properly lighted and it was definitely a good spot. I was just about to let go but valiantly tried not to sully myself.

Those of you who drinks with me understand the very pressing nature of my situation. You see, I have the smallest bladder in Christendom, errrr...No. Bolehdom. And it was fucking full. Very, very full. Also, when under such pressure, my ability to think fades into just one thought - I NEED TO FUCKING PISS.

So under the tree it was. Right in front of this small red car parked next to mine. I fumbled with my jeans zipper and just before I slugged ol' faithful out to see the dark of night, it fucking decided to spill. Needless to say, my jeans got wet. But I let it go. Swinging it left and right and left again and it felt so good. I mean, I felt good. My piss was everywhere.

After I was done I tucked o'l faithful back, zipped up and stumbled to my ride. And just as I was about to open my ride's door, I overheard giggling. I turned and to my horror, two ladies were in the small red car. One of them stuck her head out looking towards the general direction of my wet crotch and I was like,

"Sweet....Mother...Of...God!!!"

She smiled and said, "You, sir, need to work on your aim or...maybe its just your...thing". And she pointed.

I hate being caught in a fix like this and what I hate most is being unable to say anything sensible such as I was. I wanted to say something. Something stupid to save my ass. A come back line or something. Anything. But I was beyond uttering any words.

I quickly got in and actually could hear them laughing as I drove away.

Sheeeeeeettttttt!!!