Bears
The preacher man diverted from his main sermon this morning and touched on what he referred to as a 'strange and disturbing' passage from the Old Testament. And I was like, since when was the good book not strange and disturbing? But never mind.
I didn't really pay attention to the sermon afterwards because I was then reading the book of 2 Kings.
It's this one on Elisha and the bears. And if you didn't know yet and I didn't until just this morning, Elisha is popularly regarded as the Luke Skywalker of the bible and his boss-man, Elijah, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
First, a bit of background. Elijah - big time prophet, adviser to kings, raiser of the dead extraordinaire and local celeb. Elisha - Elijah's sidekick. That is all.
So, one day Big G tells Elijah that it was time to retire and take up golf or something. Elijah later takes Elisha out of town and they come to this river, right, and he takes off his shirt and gives the river a nice slap with it ala Musa. The river parts and they cross. A bit of a show-off but he's a prophet, you see. And across the river, Elijah being boss and all tells Elisha what Big G had planned for him. And just like Luke in Starwars, Elisha goes all drama and emo and shit and says, "Noooooo way! This is soooo not on!".
But this was Big G's plan and Elisha knows better to jive with Big G's shit and not argue. So he was cool but not before he asked his boss for double share of his power and shit. Which wasn't a bad deal, really. Elijah said it wasn't his to give but Big G's. And told the 'ol boy that if he 'saw' something strange going down then that was his sign.
And suddenly, the bible tells us, while they were still chilling and talking and shit, a fucking blazing chariot of fire and horses which were also on fire came down from the sky and like, swept Elijah away leaving Elisha going - what da fuck?!
And I'm like, alien abduction, yo!!!
So Elisha walks into this village with a cool name - Bethel, right, minding his own business. He just saw his boss taken up in a chariot of fire and he's all sad and shit and these little kids runs to meet him and starts mocking him.
Bad move.
Calls him names and shit. Mr. Baldy and other shitty names. Which was by standard even at the time, was as bad as saying something about your mommas privates and shit.
So good 'ol Elisha was so fucking pissed off he could have given them the finger and walk but noooooooo, he decides to up it one level further.
He stops. He thinks - do I have it? Can I do Elijah's shit? I did see the 'sign', didn't I? Chariot and horses on fire and shit. And then he turns to the kids, invokes the name of Big G and summons two motherfucking bears to come out of the woods!
Mo'fucking bears, yo!!!
Needless to say the passage tells us the little children got fucking clawed to bits. All 'forty and two' of them it says.
And what did Elisha do after watching them kids get clawed, shit tubes torn out of their little bellies and shit?
The dude runs up to this mountain to chill.
How bizarre-ly cool is that?
I didn't really pay attention to the sermon afterwards because I was then reading the book of 2 Kings.
It's this one on Elisha and the bears. And if you didn't know yet and I didn't until just this morning, Elisha is popularly regarded as the Luke Skywalker of the bible and his boss-man, Elijah, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
First, a bit of background. Elijah - big time prophet, adviser to kings, raiser of the dead extraordinaire and local celeb. Elisha - Elijah's sidekick. That is all.
So, one day Big G tells Elijah that it was time to retire and take up golf or something. Elijah later takes Elisha out of town and they come to this river, right, and he takes off his shirt and gives the river a nice slap with it ala Musa. The river parts and they cross. A bit of a show-off but he's a prophet, you see. And across the river, Elijah being boss and all tells Elisha what Big G had planned for him. And just like Luke in Starwars, Elisha goes all drama and emo and shit and says, "Noooooo way! This is soooo not on!".
But this was Big G's plan and Elisha knows better to jive with Big G's shit and not argue. So he was cool but not before he asked his boss for double share of his power and shit. Which wasn't a bad deal, really. Elijah said it wasn't his to give but Big G's. And told the 'ol boy that if he 'saw' something strange going down then that was his sign.
And suddenly, the bible tells us, while they were still chilling and talking and shit, a fucking blazing chariot of fire and horses which were also on fire came down from the sky and like, swept Elijah away leaving Elisha going - what da fuck?!
And I'm like, alien abduction, yo!!!
So Elisha walks into this village with a cool name - Bethel, right, minding his own business. He just saw his boss taken up in a chariot of fire and he's all sad and shit and these little kids runs to meet him and starts mocking him.
Bad move.
Calls him names and shit. Mr. Baldy and other shitty names. Which was by standard even at the time, was as bad as saying something about your mommas privates and shit.
So good 'ol Elisha was so fucking pissed off he could have given them the finger and walk but noooooooo, he decides to up it one level further.
He stops. He thinks - do I have it? Can I do Elijah's shit? I did see the 'sign', didn't I? Chariot and horses on fire and shit. And then he turns to the kids, invokes the name of Big G and summons two motherfucking bears to come out of the woods!
Mo'fucking bears, yo!!!
Needless to say the passage tells us the little children got fucking clawed to bits. All 'forty and two' of them it says.
And what did Elisha do after watching them kids get clawed, shit tubes torn out of their little bellies and shit?
The dude runs up to this mountain to chill.
How bizarre-ly cool is that?
posted by Demented | Sunday, November 16, 2008
11 Comments:
I find the Book of revelation the most disturing. Whats the deal in that one?
And just in case you didn't know, the kids or children reffered in that passage are actually translated to be youths in its original langauage/meaning. Age between 30 to 40 years.
trish : hmmm...interesting. what about the chairiots and horses on fire?
alien space ships?
I've heard the story from sunday school like longggg time ago but I like your version a lil more haha.
that was probably the best you've ever written.
Where got such story one...is that the same bible you bought from that apek sitting outside Kapit Hotel kah? The one that's written 'newt internal version' bible. Is that the one kah?
irry : sunday school made me believed in ufo's and alien abduction
anon : i dod not write 2 kings
langkau : sial!! you got the same version from the apek kah???
There are a few instances in the old book when the prophets are told to retire and then just disappears. They don't die. They take a long walk and then never to be heard of again.
Elijah's case probably was the only one witnessed.
Alien abduction? I think so too, man.
musa : then you, like me, must also believe in the existence of the screaming man eating tortoise.
I recently just spoke to a whitey that told me that the old book is full of shit. It's full of hatred and anger that encourages ppl to kill each other from different tribes.
well did the old book say anything about children eating tooth fairy?
i stalk blogs : thats why i like the old book better. lots of violence and other shit. and how about that one on the two daughters going down on their dad?
i stalk blogs for the second time today : i am absoultely sure there were instances.
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