Decide
There haven’t been many decisions in my life I haven’t agonized over. I have to turn each one over and over again. Analyzing, making sure I haven’t missed anything, questioning my own viewpoint and everyone else’s before I make a choice. It’s not that I’m indecisive but rather it’s the weight of not wanting to make a mistake that fucking slows me down.
You know you've been through this shit - things were black and white when I was growing up. Shades of grey always fall into places I wasn’t supposed to be and only those which was very clearly right was allowed. It didn't help to be born in a very Christian environment either. As a result I didn’t know how to make an informed decision and when confronted with moments of truth I fucking got cold feet.
When I was fifteen and fucking bitchy - bitchy, because we men can still be a bitch, questioning everything my dad said, it seemed to me that some of his rules just didn’t make sense. I reasoned and pleaded and bargained. It didn’t matter. His rule was absolute and punishment fucking swift. I wasn’t a rebellious kid. I didn't think so. But obedience and responsibility came far too easily - a fucking shame really, those years should have been a little more fun. I think it came with being the eldest.
My dad got tired of my asking why a certain rule had to be obeyed. Why this and not that.
It usually wasn’t the decision I disagreed with but I wanted to know how he came to a particular decision, what process did he use to decide what was going to happen in my life. I begged for explanation, once even asking if this was going to make me a better person or if it was just his personal preference. That brought a moment of silence and then an explosion. If there is one thing my dad lacked, it would be patience. I was so fucked like that.
It’s a fact. And I know now that life is filled with fucking grey areas and difficult decisions. Leave or stay, buy or sell, heart or head. So many shades of grey it looks like a rainbow, each requiring a deep look inside to see if there’s knowledge that will lead us to the truth, some sure sense that we’re making the right decision. And even then we sometimes don’t know for years, or ever, if we’ve chosen well.
There is this scene in a movie, I think it was one of those Indiana Jones movies or ot could be something else. In the scene, this old knight who guards this ancient secret presents a option to the heroes. One man wavers, impulsively makes the wrong choice and suffers the consequences immediately. The knight dude sighs and in a weary voice says, “He fucked up” - no, he actually said, "He chose poorly". And that image lingers with me – choose right or die – the sure outcome of bad choices.
Most life decisions aren’t so fucked up but they sometimes feel that way. The fear of doing the wrong thing can mess us up badly and you know that. I ask myself now if the road ahead is going to be good for me or if I need to make another decision. Will my choice make me proud or leave me with regret and if after looking at all my options does something still sound like a good idea? I try not to over-analyze, though I do anyway. I weigh my needs with those of anyone else involved in the situation.
And still I’m not always sure.
I waver and hesitate, looking first one way and then the other and back again, wondering what and how to decide. And somehow it seems to work out in the end.
But ultimately, we just need to make up our mind and decide and see where it takes us.
You know you've been through this shit - things were black and white when I was growing up. Shades of grey always fall into places I wasn’t supposed to be and only those which was very clearly right was allowed. It didn't help to be born in a very Christian environment either. As a result I didn’t know how to make an informed decision and when confronted with moments of truth I fucking got cold feet.
When I was fifteen and fucking bitchy - bitchy, because we men can still be a bitch, questioning everything my dad said, it seemed to me that some of his rules just didn’t make sense. I reasoned and pleaded and bargained. It didn’t matter. His rule was absolute and punishment fucking swift. I wasn’t a rebellious kid. I didn't think so. But obedience and responsibility came far too easily - a fucking shame really, those years should have been a little more fun. I think it came with being the eldest.
My dad got tired of my asking why a certain rule had to be obeyed. Why this and not that.
It usually wasn’t the decision I disagreed with but I wanted to know how he came to a particular decision, what process did he use to decide what was going to happen in my life. I begged for explanation, once even asking if this was going to make me a better person or if it was just his personal preference. That brought a moment of silence and then an explosion. If there is one thing my dad lacked, it would be patience. I was so fucked like that.
It’s a fact. And I know now that life is filled with fucking grey areas and difficult decisions. Leave or stay, buy or sell, heart or head. So many shades of grey it looks like a rainbow, each requiring a deep look inside to see if there’s knowledge that will lead us to the truth, some sure sense that we’re making the right decision. And even then we sometimes don’t know for years, or ever, if we’ve chosen well.
There is this scene in a movie, I think it was one of those Indiana Jones movies or ot could be something else. In the scene, this old knight who guards this ancient secret presents a option to the heroes. One man wavers, impulsively makes the wrong choice and suffers the consequences immediately. The knight dude sighs and in a weary voice says, “He fucked up” - no, he actually said, "He chose poorly". And that image lingers with me – choose right or die – the sure outcome of bad choices.
Most life decisions aren’t so fucked up but they sometimes feel that way. The fear of doing the wrong thing can mess us up badly and you know that. I ask myself now if the road ahead is going to be good for me or if I need to make another decision. Will my choice make me proud or leave me with regret and if after looking at all my options does something still sound like a good idea? I try not to over-analyze, though I do anyway. I weigh my needs with those of anyone else involved in the situation.
And still I’m not always sure.
I waver and hesitate, looking first one way and then the other and back again, wondering what and how to decide. And somehow it seems to work out in the end.
But ultimately, we just need to make up our mind and decide and see where it takes us.
posted by Demented | Wednesday, August 05, 2009
3 Comments:
I think you could have been a rock god if you had rebelled a bit more.
Like what your dad told me some months ago when I met him aduii, naam guna ko because of my stubborn bachelorhood. So, kanid, in that context there's no way you can mess up things more than me.
Then again, you could have been a rock god if you had rebelled a bit more. And maybe do a duet with Aaron Neville or something like that.
kanid : i think i could have made it since there was a time when i was so underground and hung out with the people of the music.
yes, and i do think me and aaron would have made good emo songs together. the ones with high pitched notes especially.
some are ignorance and scared of answers
Post a Comment
<< Home