The Sign

While on my way to the salt mine this morning, I was tailing one of those small little vehicle. It had a very loud yellow sign stuck to its rear window that read :

"If you think the car is cute, wait till you see the driver"

I know you've seen this one before and many more of the same variety. But because I am a mindful, civilise and careful driver like you, I refuse to subject myself to reading all these stupid yellow signs (they now come in many shades and hues for that added attraction) unless of course one was in front of me. Like this morning.

I must confess I too once had a stupid yellow sign. I only realised last May that it was stupid and quickly had it removed. Mine read - "I.Have.A.Big.Dick". I know. Stupid me.

On normal days, I'd just ignore them stupid signs but this one little car this morning caught my attention. It's one of those decorated with cute little pink things arranged neatly on the rear speaker panel. And everywhere else. I could have sworn noticing a Barbie doll tucked in between what looked like cute little Barney dinos. Yes, the driver was definitely a woman and she had long flowing hair. Every movement she made - the way her hand handled the steering wheel, how she turned her head, her sitting posture - was just beautiful.

I was intrigue. I was anxious. "Could this stupid yellow sign be true?", I asked myself. But most of all, I wondered if she likes Tiger beer and karaoke because I think there's nothing sexier than a woman who can actually drink me under the table and sing at the same time.

I continued to tail the little car and because I am an individual of good standing in my community and is respected, the thought of stalking the driver never crossed my mind. If I lost her, so be it. I wish her all the good things life has to offer and may she continue to be cute all the time.

But she so happened to be driving in front of me and at each turn I wanted to go, she was still in front.

And when I was almost near my office building, she too entered and parked. And lo and behold there was an empty space next to hers of which I conveniently took.

I killed the engine, braced myself, adjusted my tie and opened the door. The other driver got out and then she turned. Our eyes met. The person was surprised. I was greatly shocked. Shit, I almost crapped in my pants. For what I saw was horrid-ness personified in its most extreme form. I swear. There were striking colours of different hues on her face which I presumed to be of conventional make-up things but looked more like war paint. Everything about her was wrong on so many levels. She wore leotards.

And then it smiled!!! It fucking smiled!!! It actually did. Thats when I tried to run but my feet wouldn't let me. I felt weak. Sick. I wobbled.

The thing spoke. It uttered my name. The voice was soft. Almost feminine. I shuddered.

"Errrr...Jeffrey?", I asked. And the thing continued on but I could hardly make what it tried to say. I could tell it was happy.

It, I mean she. No. He.

Fuck!!!

And right there standing in front of me was my old school mate. Back from the days when we were in St Thomas Secondary. An all boys school.

My day is ruined.

The above story is true and the name of the person has been changed to protect the innocent. My description of the person is also true but I left out a lot of gory details in the interest of protecting the good repute of other person's of the same kind as Jeffrey, some who are good acquaintance of mine and more beautiful. That’s my story and I am sticking to it. If I am sued, it is my hope that the court case will drag on for years and by then, God willing, I will be dead before any money exchanges hands.