Merry Christmas

So it's Christmas. The sermon this morning was good and so were the carols. Despite the late nights and excessive drinking, I think I did quite well at the choir.

Ahhhhh...Christmas once more. Christmas meant more to me when I was a kid. I believed that God was personally involved in everyone's lives. I believed that He was always watching, always waiting, and the minute I did anything good or bad I'd be rewarded or punished accordingly. I believed that there was a special place in Hell for people who didn't believe in His truth, so I believed, and I was very righteous about the whole thing. It was easier then.

This was obviously back in the days before I was introduced to the idea of free will, before I went to college and studied history, philosophy and law. This was also obviously before I realised that sometimes things are written between the lines, before I got lost and confused, before I was betrayed about eight and a half times too many, before I learnt to let go of things that were fucking me in my head and before I learnt to tell people to fuck off, if need be.

When I came home after college, I was a very angry and confused young man. I hated being home, I hated the fact that my mother poked her nose into things I considered private, I hated being in a conservative neighbourhood. I hated the call to church every Sunday morning because it made me feel as though my religion was a burden. I hated feeling like I had been caught and trapped and I wanted so badly to be back in college, having the freedom to do what I want, how I want it to be and when I want it.

It took a while for me to calm down. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God. I still consider myself a Christian. As hard as it may be to believe, I do find solace and comfort from being a member of the Christian faith.

I don't pray everyday, the way I should, but I do pray when I remember to. It's not much, it's just to say that I'm grateful for what I have and that I'm sorry for some of the things I've done (or not done, as it were). I believe He listens, not just to me, not just to Christians, but to everyone. And that makes me feel better. Oh, to those who intends to question my faith, mine is simply rooted in my belief that if believing in the truth of the birth, death and resurrection of Jesus is wrong I most certainly don't want to be right.

Merry Christmas.

PS: In case any of you had a certain specific question in your mind - No, I am drinking the Big Cat as I type this.