Dear Tiger

It's good to have friends who are concerned about your well being. I find comfort in most of these friends and especially if they're women. Some will go at lengths to ensure that you leave the pub sober and calls you half an hour later to make sure you're at home and safe. They are yet some, who ensure that you're up before 8:00am on Sundays just so you get to church on time. These ones I'm not very fond of. For reasons unknown, some even pretend to be you and write interesting letters like this one here and send it to you to get attention.

I got this in my mail today from a concerned friend of mine. She was with me at the pub few nights ago and having heard of my relationship with Tiger, she wanted to see if all the hype was true.

She found out. And she tells me she's traumatize now. I think she wants to help. She sent me this letter.

Dear Tiger,

Before I go on, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work beer and you're even around when I'm stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences. Consider the followings :-

1. Phone calls : While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating : Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you always suggest that I eat a bowl of kueh chap, along with extra pork innards on the side and washed down with three layer teh c peng? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far the other night. The chicken feet and curried cuttle fish was not necessary. The mix didn't look nice in the toilet bowl.

3. Clumsiness : Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to take up yoga to improve my balance, I see no need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down every time I reach for the door. It's completely unnecessary, and the bruises that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 15 seconds to decide on which hotel floor to stop and another 25 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore : The hangovers have got to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3:00pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, panadol) prior to going to passing out face down on sofa, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Tiger, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Demented, your biggest fan yet.

Thanks Janice for this letter. This touched me where it mattered moist. I mean, most.