Strength
I must try to be honest with myself more. Yes, I did say that I'll give the watering hole a miss yesterday but somehow the craving was too much to ignore. No, dont get me wrong. I certainly do not have an indugence issue. My circle of friends tend to believe otherwise but personally I think I am in control. The last time I went on a self detoxing program was three months ago and now I dont remember how good that felt. I felt in control, strong but mostly healthy. My attempt to give it another go yesterday failed and theres this event again later tonight...crap!!! I think I'll start next week.
But alas, I cannot feign bravery and stoicism. Pathetic, weak, whatever right? Perhaps I am all these. Perhaps why I find it so difficult to whine nowadays is that I want to deny these things, hide the truth from everyone, present a good, solid front. I'm good at this.
I was expecting to do my usual 7-8 hours sitting last night but for some reason I felt a little too tipsy when I hit no. 9. I decided to run. If there is any momment that I despise when indulging is that when I'm not numb enough to enjoy the bliss. Last night was one of those.
I got home feeling deprived and worse, was unable to sleep. I randomly pulled a magazine, flipped through the pages and found a little read called 'When We Dont Measure Up'. Some excerpt I thought was very relevant to me. Like this one...
"Out of desperation, we secretly try to get what we want from people by living up to their expectations without letting them know what we're after or that we're even in need. Our fear of disapproval or rejection and our desperate craving for acceptance is part of the reason we try so hard to live up to the expectations of others and feel so guilty when we don't.
There's no doubt that our strategies work, but for how long and to what degree? Can we totally escape our disappointment and protect ourselves from what we fear? Can we actually earn enough acceptance and approval to fill the emptiness in our hearts. The answer, of course, is no. Our strategies are a poor investment. We get little relief, shelter, or satisfaction compared to the amount of time and energy we invest in them. Even worse, they drive us to the brink of exhaustion. We rarely relax or deeply enjoy life. We live under a tremendous pressure to make sure we don't let others down or become a burden. But we can't keep it up. Inevitably, someone sees us as disappointing or needy.
For those of us who are burdened with a sense of never measuring up, we can start facing the truth by admitting that while we have our faults, we have also been unjustly criticized and/or abandoned by significant people in our lives, and that their mistreatment or lack of involvement has deeply affected us. As a result, we struggle with fears and disappointments that otherwise would not be present to the degree that they are."
There is more. A lot more. And its uncanny to read something that speaks so closely to what I used to feel. I have gone through this phase and grown out of it. It happens sometimes now though but nothing I can't deal with.
At least thats what I would like to believe.
But alas, I cannot feign bravery and stoicism. Pathetic, weak, whatever right? Perhaps I am all these. Perhaps why I find it so difficult to whine nowadays is that I want to deny these things, hide the truth from everyone, present a good, solid front. I'm good at this.
I was expecting to do my usual 7-8 hours sitting last night but for some reason I felt a little too tipsy when I hit no. 9. I decided to run. If there is any momment that I despise when indulging is that when I'm not numb enough to enjoy the bliss. Last night was one of those.
I got home feeling deprived and worse, was unable to sleep. I randomly pulled a magazine, flipped through the pages and found a little read called 'When We Dont Measure Up'. Some excerpt I thought was very relevant to me. Like this one...
"Out of desperation, we secretly try to get what we want from people by living up to their expectations without letting them know what we're after or that we're even in need. Our fear of disapproval or rejection and our desperate craving for acceptance is part of the reason we try so hard to live up to the expectations of others and feel so guilty when we don't.
There's no doubt that our strategies work, but for how long and to what degree? Can we totally escape our disappointment and protect ourselves from what we fear? Can we actually earn enough acceptance and approval to fill the emptiness in our hearts. The answer, of course, is no. Our strategies are a poor investment. We get little relief, shelter, or satisfaction compared to the amount of time and energy we invest in them. Even worse, they drive us to the brink of exhaustion. We rarely relax or deeply enjoy life. We live under a tremendous pressure to make sure we don't let others down or become a burden. But we can't keep it up. Inevitably, someone sees us as disappointing or needy.
For those of us who are burdened with a sense of never measuring up, we can start facing the truth by admitting that while we have our faults, we have also been unjustly criticized and/or abandoned by significant people in our lives, and that their mistreatment or lack of involvement has deeply affected us. As a result, we struggle with fears and disappointments that otherwise would not be present to the degree that they are."
There is more. A lot more. And its uncanny to read something that speaks so closely to what I used to feel. I have gone through this phase and grown out of it. It happens sometimes now though but nothing I can't deal with.
At least thats what I would like to believe.
posted by Demented | Saturday, July 22, 2006
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